Lost

Sometimes being an adult sucks.

Big time.

Especially when on the outside it appears like you got your crap together, but on the inside you're floundering, wishing this life that you seem to find yourself in wasn't yours.

Now, I don't want you guys to worry too much about me.

For the most part, I'm okay. And, it's only sometimes when I start to really think about it and dwell on it that I start feeling like I'm lost in a foreign place that I had never planned to be.

Occasionally this is fun, at least at first, until you no longer find being lost an adventure and start longing to find your way back to somewhere, someone familiar. If you've been lost before, I'm sure you know this feeling and can almost pinpoint the moment that you start to think:

"What if I can never find my way again?"

For me, if I get lost, the thought doesn't creep in till later. At first I'm all confident in my lostness: Clearly I missed that turn a few miles back. Yes, that's what it is. But then I think to myself, what if that wasn't the turn? Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, and it's actually just a little further. Yes, that's it. I'm freaking out for nothing.

So I press on down the same path until I realize that I am so obviously lost it's not even funny. So I make a U-turn and turn where I think I was supposed to, only it doesn't feel right still, and panic starts to set in. And slowly that thought seeps into my mind:

What if I can't get back? What if there's no one that can help me? 

What if I'll be alone and lost... forever?

I try to push this thought out of my head. I'm being irrational; it's just fear talking. I'll get out of this and be fine. I'm not alone; I won't be lost forever. But the thought still lingers... in the back of my mind, waiting to worm it's way back into the surface of my thoughts.

Eventually, after a few stops, several U-turns, and a few desperate phone calls (or GPS look ups, if I'm lucky), I do find myself at my intended destination, ready to regale my friends of my misadventure, playing off any slight panic attacks, and never revealing the one thought that I had pushed back down below.

But it's still there. Waiting. Waiting to burrow it's way back up, waiting until it's just visible enough to have someone, anyone, notice. And sometimes, it's not even me that notices first.



Yesterday, I went to a nearby restaurant by myself and ordered dinner to go. It wasn't very crowded: A family nearby the entrance that was finishing their meal, and a few friends in the back. I sat near the entrance at a stool waiting for my order, noticing the family and the surroundings. As I watched the family gather up their things and start to leave, my mind started to wander.

Even now I honestly don't remember what I was thinking about, if I even thought anything at all. I was just staring off into space. But in the periphery I notice someone trying to get my attention. In my daze, it takes a while to realize that it's the cashier telling me that part of my order is ready. I apologize for not hearing him the first time, and instead of saying it's okay or ignoring it, he asks:

"Are you okay?"

"Oh I'm fine. I was just spacing out." I reply, waving it off like it's no big deal. He kind of gives me a quizzical look, like he doesn't really believe me.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asks again with real concern in his voice.

Again I tell him I'm fine that I was just thinking about all the things I had to do when I got home and that I really was okay. He hesitantly handed over my order and told me he understood because he was getting ready to go to college and he hadn't packed anything. I laughed with him and told him I knew how that was. When the other part of my order was ready and I started heading out the door, he called after me:

"I hope you have a good evening!"

"Thanks! Good luck with college!" I called back as the door closed behind me. Any other time/day I would have thought nothing more about the conversation, or I would have thought it was a bit odd and then moved on. But as I made my way back home, I couldn't stop thinking about what he had asked me and the genuine concern in his voice when he did.

Did he see something while I was spacing out? Something that I didn't notice?

Am I okay?

Am I sure?

I Don't Want To Speak Too Soon...

But... I'm sort of, kind of, slightly regretting my decision to leave my old single's branch for this new one.

All this summer leading up to me leaving the branch (for those that don't know it's a church congregation of single adults from ages 18 to 31, can also be called a ward), I felt like it was time for me to leave and move on. I was moving to an apartment and a new town and I figured that with that I'd just start going to a new single's ward that was closer to my apartment. I was sad to be leaving the people I'd been going to church with for 2 almost 3 years now, but I figured I'd still see them at activities and stuff because I'm only 15/20 minutes away. I was excited to meet new people and get a change of pace etc.

Well, now that I've been in the new ward for 2 weeks (hence why I didn't want to speak too soon), I really miss the branch. Not that this new ward is like psycho, although the past two Sundays have had some strange occurrences, but at least with the branch I knew what to expect and the strange occurrences that happened were entertaining. Ok, here's what happened in the new ward so far:

Last Sunday the first speaker decided she was teaching a lesson instead of giving a sacrament meeting talk, complete with passing out candy and making this poor dude do the equivalent of 90 pushups in his Sunday clothes at the front of the chapel. Then the 2nd person decided to talk the REST of the sacrament meeting, but we still sang all 4 verses of the rest hymn and then the 3rd speaker spoke. Normally this part of church ends at 2. We didn't get out until 2:20. Sunday School was okay although I had to go to the "special" new people class, which was fine, and then the relief society lesson was a little weird too. Not to mention the ridiculously forced conversation (not on my part) I had with a guy during the potluck afterwards (I was like, seriously dude, I'm not into you, I'm trying to meet people cause I'm new, if you don't want to talk to me, just say so. AND THEN, after I decided to talk to other people and let him be since it was like pulling teeth getting him to answer my questions, he stops me on my way out to tell me that it was a pleasure meeting me and then shook my hand. What?!)

Today wasn't quite as odd although pretty sure one of the speakers there (a high councilman I think) said that it was the duty of women to learn sewing and cooking etc. I say pretty sure because I wasn't exactly paying attention before then, but then I heard that and was wondering what the heck he was talking about. Even the guy next to me said, "Umm did he just say sewing was a gospel principle?" Yeah, no clue.

A friend of mine from the branch came with me to church today and she said something that made me realize that I did miss the branch: The branch has its weirdos and its crazy people, but they're our weirdos.

It's true. I think the thing about this new ward is that I don't know who the weird people are and I don't know who anyone is in general (aside from the few I know from the past). At least in the branch I knew who the crazy people were and who my friends were. Granted, I'm sure I'll learn with this new ward eventually, but right now, I really miss the crazy antics of the branch and my friends, and having people to talk to during church. Hopefully I'll get some people like that in the ward soon. I need some friends in the ward.

Ok, I Get It--From the Mouth of Babes

So lately I've been receiving the same message in everything I've read or heard. What is it? The importance of being yourself and also accepting others as themselves in turn. Last week I had finished reading a book that talked about this very thing, and then last Sunday at church, one of the speakers gave an excellent talk about loving yourself and loving others. Then, I read my little sister's blog about "Being us." (Side note: she also wrote another post right after that about sisters. It's cute and about me, and apparently without me she'd die. Who knew?)

Marin's post is a little random (very fitting since that's her blog title), but my favorite lines are the following:
"We think that if we have the cutest clothes or we are skinny and rich that we will be excepted (sic). But that is technically untrue. If we just embrace our differences instead of ignoring them we would be us, we would like our selves and if anyone says differently then they have a problem with themselves."

"We try to avoid people who aren't like us but we aren't any different."

"What is the thing you like most about you? mine would be my flaws because with out them I'm not me."

Clearly, someone up there is trying to get it through my thick brain that I need to be more accepting of myself and others. Ok! I get it. I'll try.

What's Important?

You know how some Sundays you just kind of go through the motions, but then there are other Sundays where you actually pay attention and you get something out of the lessons you hear. Well, I'm sad to admit that I've had more of the former kind of Sundays lately, and I realize this is my fault. But, today, I don't know what it was, (perhaps I subconsciously decided to listen instead of play on my iPod) I had a very meaningful Sunday where I actually learned something.

In Relief Society our lesson was about Thomas S. Monson's talk "Finding Joy in the Journey." In the talk President Monson talks about a man in the Vietnam War who was shot down and captured:

In the 1960s, during the Vietnam War, Church member Jay Hess, an airman, was shot down over North Vietnam. For two years his family had no idea whether he was dead or alive. His captors in Hanoi eventually allowed him to write home but limited his message to less than 25 words. What would you and I say to our families if we were in the same situation—not having seen them for over two years and not knowing if we would ever see them again? Wanting to provide something his family could recognize as having come from him and also wanting to give them valuable counsel, Brother Hess wrote—and I quote: “These things are important: temple marriage, mission, college. Press on, set goals, write history, take pictures twice a year.”

President Monson continues saying, "Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family. One day each of us will run out of tomorrows."

Our teacher then gave us each a piece of paper and asked us to imagine ourselves in a similar situation. What would we tell our families what we thought was the most important? This is what I wrote:

Family is important; spend as much time with them as you can. Cherish your friendships. Love with all your heart even when you think it might not be appreciated. Live the gospel because it is the one truth that will get you through this life and into the next. Serve everyone especially when you don't feel like it because that's when you need to serve the most. Laugh and be happy because life is too short not to.

She then asked us to think about our lives and if we are actually living what we think is important, and if we are not, change so that we are. So with that I ask you, what's important?

I am okay.

So, I realize that my previous post was kind of depressing. I am sorry. I just had to get my thoughts and feelings out, and unfortunately/fortunately my blog is the easiest way for me to do that. Last week was my grandmother's funeral, and my friend was right when she told me it would be very cathartic. On the day of the service/burial I didn't even bother wearing any eye make-up cause it would be a waste. I'm glad I didn't, cause I cried during the whole service. But, after that, I was ok.

It was actually a good trip because I kind of got some closure and I got to see some of my extended family that I hadn't seen in years. I got to see my cousins, which was great because I really don't know them very well. I got to eat delicious Mexican food (several times in fact), and I got to talk and listen about why my grandma was so great.

It is times like these that I am so grateful for my knowledge of the Gospel and for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My cousins, who are not members of the church, were having a very rough time, more so than me. My family tried to help them and share our testimony with them. I love knowing that I will see my grandma again and that if I live righteously I can be with her after this life. I just hope that my cousins can know that too.

Anyway, now that I'm back, I'm doing better, and I think my mom's doing okay. I'm sure there will be moments for all of us when we'll wonder where grandma is, or remember we should tell her something, only to realize she's not here or we can't tell her. But, I guess that's all part of losing someone, huh?
It'll be okay. I'm okay, and for now, that's... okay.

P.S. I promise I'll have better posts soon. :)

Mixed Emotions

For those that know me well, you know that I usually have to write or say what I'm feeling and thinking about a certain situation in order to make sense of my confusing emotions so that I can understand. The following is me trying to do that.

On Saturday, my maternal grandmother passed away.

We knew it was coming, but it doesn't make it any less upsetting. My grandma has been slowly deteriorating for about a year now from a liver disease, and towards the start of this month, she was put into hospice care. Which, is really just the beginning of the end. On Friday, my grandpa called my mom and told her that the doctor was giving my grandma only 8 hours to a few more days left. My mom bought a one-way plane ticket and flew out there (to New Mexico) that night.

The rest of us just waited.

We tried to do what we normally did. I hung out with my friends on Friday. Dad and Caulin did some scout stuff and then Caulin hung out with his friends on Saturday while my dad, Marin, and I went to dinner. But, there was definitely a different feeling during all of it. I hate waiting, especially when it's something I don't want to happen.

It was Saturday night when my mom texted my dad saying my grandma was going... "Now." My dad had figured out that he could have his phone read his texts for him out loud, and he played it over again several times. "Now." "Now." Now."

After about 15 minutes or so, my mom finally called and said my grandma had passed away. It wasn't until I was about to go to bed and was reading my scriptures and saying my prayers that I started balling. (And embarrassingly enough, this morning when I was getting set apart for a calling, I also started crying.) I have alot of mixed emotions though besides just sadness.

A part of me feels a little relieved that she is no longer in pain and that she didn't drag on in this state for a long time. A part of me is happy that she is now in a better place with my Uncle Quinn, somewhere where my grandma's been wanting to be for a long time now. A part of me, I'll admit, is jealous that she is in such a great place. A part of me is scared to see how the family dynamics both for my mom and aunt and uncle now and then the rest of us at reunions and such are going to change now that she's gone and it's just my grandpa. A part of me knows that I will see her again after this life. But a huge part of me is sad that she is gone.

I've always had this picture in my mind of how certain occasions in the future would be and who would be in those pictures. Just like my graduation from BYU, I've always imagined my whole family being with me for my master's graduation, my wedding, my first child... But now, in my mind, where I had placed my little grandma, there is now a black void. I realize this is very selfish of me. This I know, but I can't help but feel like my mind's picture is missing something. And I hate it.

I know I'll get over it, that this is all part of the grieving process, that she'll still be with me, and any other cliches people say when you don't know what to say when trying to comfort someone who is experiencing a loss. I get it, but I still don't feel any differently at the moment. Thanks, though.

My grandma was tiny, but she was a force to be reckoned. She lived a very hard life in Korea during and after the war, and some of that life we still don't know about, and what we do know might not even be true. She was basically a single mother, raising her children on her own in a tiny 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house. But despite the many trials she faced throughout her life, she carried on, giving all she could and going without for her family. I have some great memories of her, some hilarious like when she used my dad's wire cutters to prune a wild rose-bush in our backyard, but I loved the advice she gave me in her broken English.

She would always tell me that I needed to keep going to school and get a good job and make lots of money and then get married. She told me she was proud of me of how smart and independent I was. She always told me I needed to be a good sister and take care of my siblings and to honor my parents. She told me to be happy.

A while back I wrote another blog post on death. My past self sure made me think. I hope I can continue to live the life my grandma would tell me she is proud of.

I'll miss you grandma.

Fort Worth YSA Conference

AKA: More than a thousand single (or at least not married yet) Mormons ranging from ages 18 to 30 all in one building.

Last weekend I attended what we LDS folks call a multi-regional young single adult (YSA) conference. For those who aren’t in the know, basically all the Mormon YSAs in a particular region all meet and do service projects, have activities, attend classes/workshops, and eat over the period of a weekend. This is fun and a great way to meet people and see old friends. This time around, however, we were having a very important member of our Church come to speak to us at the end of the conference: President Uchtdorf, a member of the First Presidency and an apostle. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, it’s basically like having the secretary of state come and speak. What this means is that EVERYONE wants to be there and come hear him speak. This is both good and bad: Good that we get to hear someone who is closer to the Lord than most of us, and bad in that there is going to be so many people in attendance that it’ll be really hard to actually meet new people.

On with the story: While Fort Worth is only an hour to an hour and a half away, my friends and I didn’t want to be driving back and forth Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So, instead, we got 2 rooms at a hotel 15 minutes away from the stake center for the weekend. I was joking with a few friends that for all the money I’m spending on gas and a hotel, I better have a boyfriend (ok maybe a date) by the end of the weekend. Realizing that was quite the unrealistic goal, I amended my statement: I at least want a better sense of self and some new friends.

Well, I was right, I didn’t get a boyfriend or a date (not even a number), but I did achieve my more realistic goal. Here’s what I got:
1. I don’t like an activity with no structure like when it’s “here’s some stuff, do whatever you want.”
2. Getting footballs thrown towards me, more specifically my face, is not a pleasant experience, and I cringed every time.
3. Yes, I did meet a few people (yes, guys too, Mom), and they were nice. But, again, I didn’t really see them again after we met because there were so many people.
4. I cannot tie a cute bow for a hair band to save my life. I tried, several times; it’s impossible.
5. Recycling greeting cards (cutting up old ones to make new ones) was fun, especially with all the old wedding announcements we could mock. Not sure who would actually use the cards we made out of them though.
6. Apparently, you can’t die filthy rich and get into Heaven (cause you can’t be filthy in Heaven). But, you can, however, be wealthy and get in (new life goal now set).
7. I loved this quote, used in one of the workshops, by C.S. Lewis: “I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time—waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God—it changes me.”
8. It really bugged me when people said they came from far off places for the conference (like Alaska, Hawaii, etc.). I’m sorry you did not travel all the way from “Sai Pei (it’s next to Guam)” just for the conference. You’re at school at U.T. You are here from U.T., honey.
9. Dancing in a room with 1000 other sweaty people squeezing in next to you is not always fun.
10. I do not want to be proposed to by a DJ request in a room with 1000 strangers at a YSA conference dance. (Yeah, it did in fact happen to someone else there.)
11. Sometimes sitting on a hard metal chair for 5 hours is worth the pain in your buttocks.
12. Sister Uchtdorf, President Uchtdorf’s wife, is hilarious and so cute! She told all of us we need to be getting emails at this conference, “Don’t twitter, just email.”
13. On a more spiritual note, she also told us about this statue in which it was Christ but without hands. On the statue, it said, “You are my hands.”
14. President Uchtdorf covered A LOT of things and topics in his talk at the fireside. What stood out most to me that he said was the following 3 things: (1) Instead of looking for the right one (when it comes to a spouse), we need to be the right one because when we try to be the right one, then we focus on the right things. (2) He quoted Dumbledore from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (which is freakin’ awesome), saying that it is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. (3) If you know who you are, you know who Heavenly Father is.

Overall, although very crowded and cramped, I enjoyed the conference. I met a few new people, became better friends with others, did some service, learned some things in general and about myself, and felt the Spirit. I’m glad I went. There’s another one in November in San Antonio. Who’s with me?

Lemonade Can Be Delicious

We've all heard the cliche, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade." (I'm sure you've heard other twists on it too, but let's not go there.) Although this saying gets used so much that it has become just empty, meaningless words, if we get down to the main message/point of it, it is helpful to us. Really what it comes down to is if something happens to you in your life, you just need to accept it and have it help you, not hinder you.

Sometimes it's easier or makes us feel better to sit there and complain about our circumstances or wallow in self-pity about various trials in our lives. Believe me I know, I'm not above it at all. Happens to me a lot. I think that when things happen in our life that is unwanted or makes life difficult or that are beyond our control, we need to desperately find the silver lining in the cloud or else we'll just be miserable. And who wants to live their life miserable all the time?

I know many people, however, choose instead to keep dwelling on the negative and keep complaining about their lot in life. While all of us feel this way occasionally, a few seem to take it to the extreme. They analyze what they (or someone else) could have done differently or if they hadn't had been at this place or at that time. I think playing with what might have been is a fruitless endeavor. It doesn't get you anywhere, and you don't get anything out of it apart from becoming more upset. A better use of your time would be to find a solution to the problem, to find a way out or to move beyond your current troubles.

Now, I'm not saying you should just be happy all the time and just suck it up. Everyone goes through a grieving/mourning/questioning process when faced with conflict. This is human nature. But, the key is to not dwell too long in this period. Doing so would only make things worse.

Sometimes, when faced with a rather difficult set of circumstances, we tend to reach a stalemate in our progress. We don't quite know what to do or how to handle it, so we are stuck. This is when we need to actively search for the good or the lesson we should be learning from the trial. Only then, once we realize why we are in the situation and what to get from it, can we move on and become a better person. It's hard, yes, and it might take you some time to figure out, but once you do, your life will be better.

Don't fall into the trap of self-pity and self-wallowing. Again, it will get you nowhere, and it will only set you back farther in the grand scheme of things the longer you focus on the negative.

I apologize if this sounds rather preach-y. I mean this as much for myself as my readers. I've just realized that when I dwell in the negative and get complain-y, as I'm want to do, it only makes things worse for me. I too am trying to be more positive when faced with my trials. I hope, and pray things will get better, and then realize if I don't do anything about it, it won't get any better.

Life can make some sweet, delicious lemonade, but it is we who have to squeeze the lemons to make it.

It Is Not Death That A Man Should Fear...

A few days ago, I went to a funeral of someone at church who was a family friend. I didn’t know him that well, but for some reason while I was there, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t expecting to cry so much, but boy did I. It was a wonderful service with very many touching and tender moments. I’ve only been to two other funerals in my life. One was my great grandfather’s when I was about 6, so I don’t remember it at all. The other was my great grandmother when I was a little older, and while I do remember crying and seeing her, I don’t remember the service.

Ok, back to the story. What I loved most about the funeral (believe me, I know how odd and awkward that is to say) was feeling the spirit and feeling a sense of hope. What am I talking about? I mean that although we were honoring someone that lived a good life and unfortunately was no longer with us, we were still here to carry on and live. My favorite belief that I have through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the knowledge that death is not the end. That after this life we continue on to the spirit world where we give service to others there.

But while we can take comfort in the fact that our loved ones who have passed on just happen to be somewhere else, it still leaves us in the lives we are living now. Attending the funeral helped me get a perspective and a different take on my own life. I heard all of the friends and family of the one who passed saying all of these wonderful things he accomplished and how he impacted the lives of everyone in attendance and then some, and it made me wonder what people would say about me and my life and more of what would I want them to say. Am I living the life that would have people say what I would want them to say when I passed?

Are we living the kind of life that has an impact (hopefully positively) on our friends, family, and others around us? I think we try to avoid thinking about death, mainly because we are so scared of things we don’t know about. But I think sometimes it’s good to remember (not dwell on it, mind you) to remind us every now and again that we need to live our lives the best we can because we might not be here for as long as we think.

It was a good chance for me to reevaluate my life. When I pass (and I’m hoping it will be many many years down the road), I want people to say good things about me, that I was a positive influence in their life, and that my life was something meaningful. Well, if that’s how I want it to be, I need to make sure that I’m living that way for that to happen.

So, my question for you is, what do you want people to say about you at your funeral? Are you living your life so people will say that? If not, change it so they will.

OH, and in case you were wondering, the partial quote that is the blog post title is from Marcus Aurelius: "It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live."

One-Year Anniversary

On this day a year ago I started my first, real-life, grown-up, out of college, full-time job. I can't believe it's actually been a year; it feels like it's been shorter and longer at the same time. It's weird and is a really odd feeling. And while I don't like cliches, I'm going to use one anyway:

When I started, I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (sorry I had to), excited to start my first real job. I felt that I had to prove myself; I was competent despite my lack of real-world, corporate experience. I was ready to make friends with my co-workers, thinking it would be less like "The Office" and more like "Chuck" (with the lovable guys at the Buy More). I was a little overwhelmed with training and learning all about my new job, benefits, retirement, etc. but still hopeful for the future when I had mastered it all.

Boy, how stupid and naive I truly was... if only I could go back to that innocence now though.

Many things have changed within this year, including myself. While I hate to say it, my work is much more like "The Office" than I'd like (which has made me have an even greater appreciation for the show). I've come to learn that people aren't always how you think they are at first for good and for bad. There were people that I thought we would become friends that ended up not being, people who I thought I wouldn't get along with but instead have become my friends, and still others even now I can't tell.

I realized that sometimes beneath the nice pleasantries and civil chit chats (like my alliteration?) is turmoil, dislike, disdain, and/or indifference, although sometimes it's not. It's only after some time that you find out who you can vent to and who you can't and who is really nice through and through and who isn't.

I discovered that while having doors on your cubicles seems like a great thing in the beginning, you find out quickly it is not (either for yourself or others), which is why the head of our department is now banning the closing of doors unless absolutely necessary. (Don't worry nothing terrible, but people feel less welcome and approachable, and who knows what those people are doing behind that door [ummm not work].)

I learned that there are certain things that really bother me that I never would have thought would have had it not been for my co-workers doing them all the time getting on my nerves (like talking loudly in their cube on personal calls, banging loudly on the computer, and rubbing their hands together). (Side note: the rubbing the hands thing is like nails on a chalkboard almost for me, weird, huh?)

I noticed that bosses are interesting creatures each with their own set of managerial styles (or lack there of) and how they act in the hallways (not in meetings) truly effects the mood of their employees and the office in general. One or two managers always say hi and talk with people, therefore buoying up their employees and making everyone else feel welcome and appreciated. One avoids eye contact and communication in passing, focusing on that one thing she needs or one place to get to, which in turn closes off her employees and results in a lack of communication. One boss seems friendly and welcoming, but when push comes to shove and he has to answer a question about something, he refers to the higher up and/or puts it back on the employee, thereby making the employee feel he can't come to him since he is not knowledgeable about the job.

I have come to learn that the average American business employee loves their coffee and their alcohol (two things of which I hate, which also "alienates" me even more from the office crowd). The coffee pot (which is a high point of conflict, apparently; there's signs every where around it regarding the use and clean up of said coffee machine; really the whole break room area--sink, fridge, water cooler, microwave, toaster oven--is a point of conflict) is constantly running all day. Every company party/event always has alcohol of some kind, which is sometimes funny, sometimes not. A few others love their cigarettes and the "breaks" that come with them too, but not the whole office, thank goodness.

The business world is more of a survival of the fittest type, dog eat dog world (more cliches, I know) than I'd like. While my company is nothing to the extreme (I mean we're a non-profit after all), I am just noticing things about people used to this sort of thing that makes me wonder if I'm even cut out for it all. The thing is, yes, I want to prove myself and get that promotion or raise or what have you, and I want to make sure that my work is noticed and appreciated. However, I don't want to have to go about getting there by being rude and mean and nasty and cutthroat because that is not how I roll. But, does that mean because I'm that way, I'll never get ahead?

I don't think so. As I started working more and more, I noticed that I was changing and I was being meaner (not necessarily to people, but it was the things I thought in my head), and I didn't like that change in myself. I'm trying to be better and retain my sweet, partially innocent self I had and to not let the competitiveness of it all swallow me whole. I think I can still get ahead in life being the same way I am; it might take me longer, but I'll get there, and I'll get there the right, honest way. And in the end, not only will I feel better about myself because of it, I'll be blessed more too.

While I could complain (and have) about my job, co-workers, boss, etc., I have learned a lot and am still learning, which I love. And really, I'm just thankful I have such a great job at all in this crappy economy. Praise the Lord!

A Teacher's Plea

I recently sat in on another teacher's Sunday School class, which was covering the same lesson I taught the week before. It was an interesting experience. Because I had already read the material, I knew the object lesson point and I knew the answers to her questions and what she was going to talk about next.

At first, I was trying to "show her up" (because I was being arrogant) by saying her next question or next point. I could tell that my neighbor was getting annoyed so I stopped. Then I started realizing that even though I knew her next points and her subject matter, the comments of the class members are what made things more interesting to me. Everyone in this class has different life experiences that gives them unique and different perspectives to the subject. It is because of these different comments that helps make the class interesting and more helpful to other class members.

As a teacher, I absolutely love it when I have class members comment because 1) I'm not standing up there talking the whole time, and 2) because my class members might have better insight and have something more profound than what I'm saying.

So, please if you feel like you should add to the disscussion or you think of something to say, say it. No matter what it is, because it could help someone else in the class, or sometimes the class just needs a good laugh to get the blood flowing.

Change Sucks... Deal with it.

I came to Church today as if it were any other Sunday. I had an activities committee meeting before hand, and I knew I had to stay after for tithing settlement. But, other than that, it was like any other Sunday, or so I thought. As soon as I walked into the chapel for sacrament meeting, I knew something was up. There were about 15 priesthood holders on the stand all trying to decide where to sit. Obviously, we weren't going to have a normal fast and testimony meeting.

After the sacrament, the stake president got up and started reading from the Church handbook about the Singles Ward and the guidelines in establishing it. This of course put me on edge because I started thinking that they might get rid of the Singles Ward, and I'd have to go to church with my family. But then he laid the bombshell on me. They were creating a singles branch in Allen to be comprised of the Allen and McKinney stakes, meaning that now the Dallas 11th ward (where I've been attending) is comprised of the Richardson and Plano stakes.

What???? What is going on? I can't tell you how many thoughts flooded my mind as they started reading and establishing this new singles branch. They had everyone stand that would be attending the new allen branch, and I refused to stand. No, I will not be going; I don't want to go to Allen. I have to move; I have to find an apartment in Plano, right now. I will just keep going to D11.

Then the person sitting next to me tells me that I have to go to Allen or my home ward. I didn't know what to do. Then, they had everyone attending the Dallas 11th ward to stand up, and I continued to sit. At that moment, I felt lost, confused, and although it's an insignificant and a ridiculous thing to get upset about, it really did shake my testimony. I had just been getting established; I was making friends and having fun. Within an hour, I had so many thoughts and emotions run through my mind as the various stake presidents stood and bore their testimony and their belief that this change is from the Lord.

I couldn't hold it back any longer, I just let the tears stream down my face. (Side note: I went to the bathroom after the meeting, and my mascara was not smeared in the slightest. Go Max Factor.) At first I kept thinking of all the ways that I wouldn't have to go to the new branch. I could just keep going to D11 and refuse to change; I could get married; I could move; I could see if I could get premission to stay. Then I thought about how I still had to help with all these activities; I couldn't just say oh well, not in the ward any more, you're on your own. In fact I still want to go to them and help with them, unofficially of course.

I'll admit it, I was angry and upset, and I wasn't sure what I was going to do, if I could even do anything. But, by the end of Church, I realized that I was just going to have to suck it up because the Gospel is true, and the Church is true. And no matter what happens, no matter what changes, the Savior will always be there for me to help me deal with these changes. I was being selfish, wanting things to work my way, but maybe it won't be that bad. I'm definitely being bitter about it all, but I know that I can't do anything about it. I'm still going to go to activities, and for the friends I made that will be in the other ward, I will definitely make the effort to see them. I'm really really trying to deal with it and be positive... but I kind of want to stew about it for a while. Don't worry, I'll get over it... I'm already starting to.

What's wrong with Merry Christmas?

I apologize for taking so long to post something. There were many times that I wanted to post, but life got pretty crazy. My Thanksgiving was good, and yes I am thankful for loads of things... I just didn't post about it. Now that the things that prevented me from posting earlier are through with, I can now talk about one of the things that has been bugging me--Why all the hesitation in wishing someone a Merry Christmas?

I came across an article in which many retailers "tiptoe" around "Christmas," opting for the more generic, all-encompasing "Holiday." I, too, have found myself holding back my well wishes just in case because I don't want to "offend" anyone. But after thinking about it, why should I have to be so careful and be so generic when truly wishing someone well? I even bought a set of "winter" cards along with my "Christmas" cards for those people (co-workers mainly) that I was unsure whether giving them a Christmas card might not be the best idea.

You know, I respect the fact that other people have other religions and celebrate other holidays. I'm completely okay with it; good for them that they believe in something. But why does wishing someone a "Merry Christmas" saying that Christmas is the more superior religion (as a woman in the article claims)? I think that shouting "Merry Christmas" to one and all is more than just saying Christianity is better, or that Christmas is the best holiday. In fact, I think that saying "Merry Christmas" acknowledges and celebrates all those other holidays, too.

Ok, stay with me here as I explain my logic/reasoning behind my last statement. For many years I always pretended that the word Christmas came from Jesus Christ (obviously) and the Spanish word mas, meaning more. Although I know that this not where the word actually comes from, I liked thinking that it meant "more Christ." But, recently I started thinking that I had been imagining this new meaning of Christmas all wrong. Maybe, instead of it meaning "more Christ," it means "Christ and more."

I think that we should practice tolerance and understanding (which I'm sure Christ would more than approve of) for those of other faiths and religions and what they celebrate during this time of year. Yes, you could just say "Happy Holidays" and call it good and be safe. But, why not say Merry Christmas and know that it's not a way of forcing your religion on others, but as a way of showing others what you are celebrating and an encouragement for them to celebrate theirs.

If you celebrate Christmas, say it. Tell others to have a Merry Christmas too, because I know that I myself would not get offended or upset if someone shouted "Happy Hanukkah" to me. I'd even tell them to have a Merry Christmas too.

A Month After Graduation--Letter to a Friend

This is an email I sent to my friend Mary about my thoughts and feelings about having been graduated for a month now. It is kind of long and kind of like a rant, just to be forewarned.

Ugh... Mary, I feel lost. I only hang out with my family, and haven't made any friends in the singles ward yet (course I've only been once, so that's probably my fault). I am working at Bath and Body Works, so I mean it is a job, but I know I'm supposed to be looking for a real job, a career you know. I don't know I'm feeling kind of depressed.... no not depressed, melancholy if you will. I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't know when I'm going to figure it out. I want it to be soon, but I feel like I am in liminal space with no knowledge of what is to come.

I know what you're going to tell me; Mattie, go pray about it, read the scriptures. But see that's just it, I have, and I don't feel like I've gotten any answers. Don't worry, it's not like because of this I don't believe in the Church and I've lost my testimony because that's not it. I guess this is a trial of sorts, or maybe I'm supposed to do so many steps on my own before I get some light to be shed on some answers. I just don't know what steps!

It's been a month now that I've graduated, and the only thing I have to show for it is an English degree (which I've yet to receive in the mail) in which I have a part-time job at Bath and Body Works which has nothing to do with my major. I am living at home with my family which is ok for now, but I really don't want this to be too permanent of a residence. I only have two friends here, both of which are from high school (which means we aren't that close any more) and are non-members (which means we're really not that close anymore). One works at Starbucks, has been living at home with his family the whole time I've been at BYU and hasn't even gotten an Associate's degree yet. The other has also graduated, is going to be working at a camp all summer, and come August/September is going to Maine (yeah, that's right Maine) to go to graduate school so she can get her physical therapy doctorate/license.

I stay up till 2, 3, 4 in the morning most nights which in turn means I sleep in till 1, 1:30, 2 in the afternoon, unless of course I have work--the only thing I have that will force me to get up before the day is almost over. I feel like a total bum, I haven't even read any books! I have The Host sitting on my bedside table, and I have yet to crack it open and read it because I'm so freaking lazy! I'm in a rut, and I don't know how to get out of it, and the scary thing is, I'm not sure I want to get out of it. I mean, once I start thinking about it, I mean really thinking about it, I realize that this is not how the rest of my life is going to be, and I don't want it to be. But then I think about how easy I have it, I have a roof over my head, a farely decent job where I get a discount and get to test all different kinds of lotions and lip gloss (which also makes me smell like 20 different things by the time I get home), a family that loves me and are feeding me.

It's almost like I'm on vacation, except now, it's been a month, the longest time I've been at home since I came home for summer after my freshman year in college. And that's the problem, that's what I'm realizing. It's not a vacation, it's not like I'm going to go back to school soon, so I'm going to live the good life while I can. Soon, my parents aren't going to like the fact that I sleep in everyday (which I'm sure they're starting to get annoyed with already), and they are going to bug me about how I need to do something with my life besides work at Bath and Body Works (which they often confuse with Bed Bath and Beyond). They're going to kick me out and say, "You're on your own, come visit us once you have a job."

Ok, so I'm being a little dramatic, and I doubt it'll go that far. I don't see my parents ever kicking me out because I don't see myself ever getting to the point where I'm living at home not doing anything with my life. But, that's what I think of whenever I start imagining still living with my family by the end of this year. I don't know what to do though, I mean I can keep looking, applying for jobs, and sending out resumes but if they aren't going to get me a job, a real job, what am I going to do?

I think alot of my feeling this way has to do with the fact that I really haven't hung out with anyone my age in awhile. I miss my friends, quite frankly, and sometimes, ok alot of times, I wish I was back in Utah. I didn't think I'd ever say that, but I really had fun in Provo. Sometimes I think I should have stayed in Provo, but then I think that I would have felt the same way I'm feeling now, only with Melissa and Jill instead of my family. This is just a stage in my life that I was going to have to face, that I am facing, no matter where I ended up living. I just wish that I could get through this stage already and be at a different stage.... like getting married.

I Like the Way I Am

Note: This is a little personal and somewhat religious, just to warn you.

I want to be good, but I can't change who I am. Please tell me that I don't have to be a good little Molly Mormon in order to do what's right. I can't change my personality; I like who I am. I like that I am funny, and occasionally sarcastic. I think as long as I know I am joking and the people around me know that, I don't think I'm hurting anyone. I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings, and when I'm being sarcastic that is not my ultimate goal. Please tell me that I don't have to become a sterotypical "Utah" Mormon that prays about every single thing, who is shy and quiet and subservient. I don't want to change into that. I know there are plenty of things I have done wrong that I'm sure I need to repent for. But I hope that it won't mean I have to completely change who I am. I like my independence, my ability to find humor in almost anything, my ability to tell people exactly what I think and how I feel.

I would think that the Lord would not want us to be the same, that He wouldn't want us all to be cookie-cutter Mormons that all look and act the same. I would think that the Lord appreciates those who have humor; I would think that He admires those who can be independent and not have to rely completely on others to survive; I would think that the Lord appreciates those that don't sugar-coat things because isn't that in a way lying? Wouldn't it be better to tell someone the truth so they could become better instead of falsly thinking they are something that they are not. Not that the ultra-Mormon people are horrible; we need people like them in the world (Church) too. I'm just saying that I don't think its possible, necessary or even wanted to have everyone like that.

We are all different, and I know that we are that way on purpose. I think that the Lord wants us to change to become better, but not change to become different than who we were meant to be. I know that we need to change our actions not our personality. We all have different personalities, and we were made that way for a reason. If we were all the same it would be boring and would even lead to mindlessness which in my mind is a lot like Satan's plan. We need to embrace who we are and realize that while there are some things we should change to make ourselves better people, there are things that are inherently who we are that if we should change them we loose ourselves, our identity. Once we loose or change our original personality that God has created, in a way we are discarding this gift from the Lord and essentially telling Him that we don't like how He has made us because we aren't like all those other "good little Mormons." Embrace who you are and your personality because it is a gift and in the end it is all we will have.