Monday, December 10, 2007

The Unattainable

Side note: This one's long and I apologize. Also, I apologize for not updating in a while.... ummm... deal with it.

Why do I always like guys that are completely unavailable and unattainable? I always get a crush on a guy who ends up getting into a relationship with someone else, or is already in one, or they are completely out of my league. Eithere there is no possible way they could like me, or they are someone that will never know I even exist, like someone famous. For the longest time (in middle school only) I was in love with Leonardo DiCaprio (I mean back then, who wasn't?), believe me I have now seen the error of my ways. All I have to say is it was when Titanic was hugely popular and everyone loved it; that is until no one's heart wanted to go on any longer.

But, since middle school, I've tried to realize that those famous people are not worth the time and energy that I have expended by liking them. Now, this includes "famous" people that are just famous on my college campus. Guys in Divine Comedy and Vocal Point that I know I will never meet and talk to even though we go to the same school. (I just admire them and their talent from afar.)

Despite making this realization, I still like guys that I know, have met, and talked with, but they will not like me though. Now I'm not trying to be all "woe is me," drowning myself in self-pity; I'm trying to figure out why I like this type of guy. Do I like being hurt when I finally realize nothing will happen? No, I don't think I like feeling that way, and I think deep down I know it will happen so I don't throw myself into it as much (although it may appear to some that I have).

No, I think I like unavailable guys because its safe. I can feel like a normal girl who likes a boy, and I can have something to talk about with my friends. But, no matter how much I dream up situations where we casually run into each other, I know that it won't happen, and I won't truly deeply fall in love so I won't truly, deeply get hurt when the real relationship gets torn apart.

I think I'm afraid, maybe subconsciously more than consciously, of what a real relationship consists of and how I could get hurt. I think it's my way of protecting myself against the unknown. Now, you're probably wondering what prompted such a post. Well, I had a friend my freshman year (yes, a guy) that went on a mission for two years. I liked him right before he left, and honestly he was the only guy from my freshman ward that I wrote to while they were on their mission. I started thinking that maybe when he came home we could go on a date, and perhaps something would come from it.

I think because he was on another continent made it easier so that I could like him (you know that whole unavailable, unattainable thing). Well, he's home now, and I talked to him online a couple times (and it was awkward, yes even online). But I imagined that maybe it was because he had recently returned home, and when he came back to BYU for the winter he would be back to normal. I then noticed just recently (a couple months after the awkward online conversation) that his facebook and changed to reveal that he was in a relationship. By this point I decided I was over him, that nothing was going to happen, so it didn't matter to me that he was in a relationship (I was liking a different seemingly unattainable guy in my current ward).

Then, just yesterday a girl from my freshman floor randomly started messaging me online. I haven't talked to her in a while, like almost a couple years (maybe a year and a half) ago. We talked about the usual--school, what we are doing in/with our lives after school, when we're graduating. She asked me if anything exciting has happened in my life. Of course, nothing has. I asked her the same, and she preceded to tell me about how she got her mission call, but she is putting it off for four months because of a boy.

After some questioning, she told me she was dating this same guy I had previously discovered was in a relationship. She told me things were pretty serious and that she had flown to his house in Washington last weekend. She also told me she had been engaged last summer and had broken it off with this guy who was her missionary that she had when we were freshmen. After some random topics--she wanted me to recommend some movies--we both said goodbye.

What I felt, after she told me of her relationship, was oddly something very similar to jealousy. I didn't want to talk to her anymore; I didn't want her to tell me how well their relationship was going. Why was I feeling this way? I had known he was in a relationship; I didn't care, right? Why was I caring now?? I guess for some reason I still hoped that something might happen between us. I knew that they liked each other freshman year, and now that I knew it was her he was dating, I lost all hope. I then remembered that even though he would write me a birthday letter, he would still ask me about the other girls on my floor that I knew he liked before he left on his mission.

My dream--my protection of liking someone unattainable--was shattered, and it was brought very close to home. (Side note, most recent thought while typing this: I can't explain it, but it's different when you find out the guy you sort of liked is dating a random girl you don't know rather than a girl you actually do know. Before, I knew he was in a relationship, but I assumed it was some random girl from home, and I didn't care. I guess I thought to myself, well I'm sure I'm better in some way than this other girl. But, when I knew the girl he was dating, I knew how awesome she is compared to me and knew I could never compete. The fact I know her makes me feel even more insignificant.)

I don't know why her telling me bothered me so much. Maybe its because, finally, I realized how stupid, pathetic, and idiotic these crushes were. What is wrong with finding someone that I could actually really like rather than someone I only romanticize and love from a distance. Yeah, I could get hurt, and I probably would, but it would help me grow and become a better person.

I don't know when it will happen, but I'm ready to like someone real. Not a Prince Charming, but a regular normal guy with all of his faults that likes me for me, and I like him for him. Which brings me to my most recent crush/liking... That guy in my ward that I mentioned... not as unattainable as I thought...there are some real possibilities. Of course, nothing could happen, and if so, that's okay. I can handle it... I think.