So um hi

Hey there.

So... that last post, huh...

Yeah... umm...

SUPER DEPRESSING, AM I RIGHT?

Yeah guys... I'm kind of sorry about that. Since I've had a few people ask me about it and make sure I'm okay (which I truly appreciate and think you guys are so sweet and caring and awesome and I love you all!), I figured maybe I should explain/clarify/reiterate that I'm okay and that it was not a cry for help. It was more a writing exercise/getting emotions out kind of thing for myself 'cause you guys know me, I have to write out what I feel to work through it.

See what had happened was is that I was alone at a restaurant and my phone was dead, so I sat there looking super lame cause I wasn't doing anything while I was waiting for my food (I don't know about you guys but whenever I'm dining alone I feel like I need to be doing something, reading/writing/on my phone/anything, so as not to look like a loser just sitting there staring off into space). Because my phone was dead and I had no one to talk to, I pulled out a scrap paper that was in my purse and just started writing.

And that post is what came out.

I did stop part way and finished the rest when I got back home to type it all out. I'll admit that when I went back and reread it when I was done I realized it came out a lot more depressing than what I had started thinking it was going to be. I even debated on whether or not to even publish it, but by then it was 2 in the morning, I was tired, and I already had it all typed and ready to go. I even started writing a disclaimer of sorts saying basically what I am telling you now, but again I was tired, so I said screw it, deleted the disclaimer, and clicked publish.

That being said, yes, all of what I wrote out was true and what I was thinking and feeling at the time when I wrote it. But, as I said before, I'm one of those that once I write it all out and get it all down on paper, I feel much better afterwards, which is why I had the debate on whether to publish it. Because when I went back to read it, I felt differently at the end of it than when I did when I had started.

But because you guys are such wonderful people, the next day I had emails filled with concern and inspirational youtube video links. When explaining the situation to one of you, I decided that I should put up a happy post filled with puppies, and she suggested this:

To cheer me up/inspire me, another friend had sent me THIS video, THIS one, and my favorite of the three, this: 

Yesterday I was able to spend some of my time helping out my friend find songs for his wedding reception, so I listened to some really great and beautiful songs about love (and some that were just good in general) like these:

• "I Can't Make You Love Me/ Nick of Time" - Bon Iver
• "Tug of War" - Carly Rae Jepson (which side note, I LOVE many of her other songs that are not the completely over played and yet still enjoyable, to me anyway, "Call Me Maybe" so I suggest listening to her others)
• "I Melt With You" - Bowling for Soup
• "1, 2, 3, 4" - Plain White T's
• "Stole My Heart" - Little and Ashley
• "The Power of Love" - Huey Lewis
• "Love Train" - The O'Jays
• "Sweet Disposition" - The Temper Trap

Then, today, another friend shared with me some HILARIOUS videos that we're going to end up talking about on our podcast (I have a podcast... I told you guys about that right? No... well I have a podcast with a friend of mine called Gramblings. Search for it in iTunes and listen! We have 5 episodes already!). BUT because I love you guys so much and because a few of you were sweet enough to make sure I was okay, I'll share the videos with you early before I talk about them on the podcast:


And this guy's original videos are just as hilarious on their own:

Lost

Sometimes being an adult sucks.

Big time.

Especially when on the outside it appears like you got your crap together, but on the inside you're floundering, wishing this life that you seem to find yourself in wasn't yours.

Now, I don't want you guys to worry too much about me.

For the most part, I'm okay. And, it's only sometimes when I start to really think about it and dwell on it that I start feeling like I'm lost in a foreign place that I had never planned to be.

Occasionally this is fun, at least at first, until you no longer find being lost an adventure and start longing to find your way back to somewhere, someone familiar. If you've been lost before, I'm sure you know this feeling and can almost pinpoint the moment that you start to think:

"What if I can never find my way again?"

For me, if I get lost, the thought doesn't creep in till later. At first I'm all confident in my lostness: Clearly I missed that turn a few miles back. Yes, that's what it is. But then I think to myself, what if that wasn't the turn? Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, and it's actually just a little further. Yes, that's it. I'm freaking out for nothing.

So I press on down the same path until I realize that I am so obviously lost it's not even funny. So I make a U-turn and turn where I think I was supposed to, only it doesn't feel right still, and panic starts to set in. And slowly that thought seeps into my mind:

What if I can't get back? What if there's no one that can help me? 

What if I'll be alone and lost... forever?

I try to push this thought out of my head. I'm being irrational; it's just fear talking. I'll get out of this and be fine. I'm not alone; I won't be lost forever. But the thought still lingers... in the back of my mind, waiting to worm it's way back into the surface of my thoughts.

Eventually, after a few stops, several U-turns, and a few desperate phone calls (or GPS look ups, if I'm lucky), I do find myself at my intended destination, ready to regale my friends of my misadventure, playing off any slight panic attacks, and never revealing the one thought that I had pushed back down below.

But it's still there. Waiting. Waiting to burrow it's way back up, waiting until it's just visible enough to have someone, anyone, notice. And sometimes, it's not even me that notices first.



Yesterday, I went to a nearby restaurant by myself and ordered dinner to go. It wasn't very crowded: A family nearby the entrance that was finishing their meal, and a few friends in the back. I sat near the entrance at a stool waiting for my order, noticing the family and the surroundings. As I watched the family gather up their things and start to leave, my mind started to wander.

Even now I honestly don't remember what I was thinking about, if I even thought anything at all. I was just staring off into space. But in the periphery I notice someone trying to get my attention. In my daze, it takes a while to realize that it's the cashier telling me that part of my order is ready. I apologize for not hearing him the first time, and instead of saying it's okay or ignoring it, he asks:

"Are you okay?"

"Oh I'm fine. I was just spacing out." I reply, waving it off like it's no big deal. He kind of gives me a quizzical look, like he doesn't really believe me.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asks again with real concern in his voice.

Again I tell him I'm fine that I was just thinking about all the things I had to do when I got home and that I really was okay. He hesitantly handed over my order and told me he understood because he was getting ready to go to college and he hadn't packed anything. I laughed with him and told him I knew how that was. When the other part of my order was ready and I started heading out the door, he called after me:

"I hope you have a good evening!"

"Thanks! Good luck with college!" I called back as the door closed behind me. Any other time/day I would have thought nothing more about the conversation, or I would have thought it was a bit odd and then moved on. But as I made my way back home, I couldn't stop thinking about what he had asked me and the genuine concern in his voice when he did.

Did he see something while I was spacing out? Something that I didn't notice?

Am I okay?

Am I sure?

Sometimes I prefer ink and paper

I know I haven't updated in a while, and I've been meaning to update about Comic Con, and believe me it will happen. But I gotta take care of some other things first. So until then, I decided I'd mix it up and kick it old school by writing out a post. Hopefully you can read it. :) (I posted the page in full, and then zoomed in on the paragraphs.)

1st page in full

1st page, 1st paragraph

1st page, 2nd paragraph

2nd page in full

2nd page, 1st paragraph

2nd page, 2nd paragraph

2nd page, last paragraph

Oh gosh... I already see a glaring error. Ahh the joys of writing on a piece of paper (*when Titanic came out not win. It was late when I wrote this. That's my excuse.)