Still New?

I know earlier I wrote an entry about feeling new. I had to get used to a new job, twice, a new city, a new house, new friends, and a new ward. And while most of these aspects in my life have become second nature, or at least familiarity has set in, I still feel "new" in one part. My ward. It might be the fact that there are new people that visit and join the ward every week. It also could be that many go on vacation, several move out/ in, and now that we are nearing the end of the summer, many are returning to school (which means more people moving out and more moving in).

I have been in this ward for three months, but I still feel as if I just moved in. I mean, I've only been at my job for a month and a half, and the novelty has worn off already. So why not in this case? There are a few people I know and have become friends with, but compared to the friends I had up at BYU, my number of friends here are a pittance. At the beginning, I tried to put myself out there, and I tried to meet new people. But like I said in my previous post, it's exhausting to continually be out of your comfort zone. That's why it's a comfort zone; it's comfortable!

I haven't been comfortable for awhile. I still try to meet some new people, but I'm definitely slacking off. I go to church activities, and while the actual activity is fun, I come home and tell my mom, "Eh, it was a dance." I know that if I had been with fun people, friends, then I probably would have come home and said I had a blast. But that variable in the equation is lacking. (The equations being Friends+Activity=Fun)

I did make a good friend at church, and I had fun with her, but she just moved to Utah! I know making friends is hardwork, and for some it seems impossible. But as someone who has made friends with little or no effort, I'm tired of trying. I'm sick of feeling new; I just want to magically have a group of friends that I have fun with and enjoy being around like I did at BYU.

Why can't things be as easy as it was before? I want to feel comfortable and be myself without having to feel like I have to be on my best behavior with everyone I'm around. I know that usually my best behavior is pretty close to being myself, but I don't want to feel like I'm on my tiptoes hoping that my normal sarcastic self doesn't slip out and offend someone.

Well, you know what, I don't care anymore. I'm just going to be myself. It'll be easier for me, and if someone gets offended, so be it. The sooner I'll eliminate the people I have to be nice to and move on to others that could be my friend.

(Ok I realize that this sounds very mean, and I'm in somewhat of a bitter mood right now after having gone to several activities that were partly a waste of my time. I won't be mean to anyone [at least not on purpose], but it'll save me some effort and time by realizing that someone I'm trying to befriend is really someone who will not be my friend. And in all seriousness, they will indeed be missing out, not only on some good times, but on having a friend that is fun, funny, and will always be there for you even when the times aren't so good.)