Mixed Emotions

For those that know me well, you know that I usually have to write or say what I'm feeling and thinking about a certain situation in order to make sense of my confusing emotions so that I can understand. The following is me trying to do that.

On Saturday, my maternal grandmother passed away.

We knew it was coming, but it doesn't make it any less upsetting. My grandma has been slowly deteriorating for about a year now from a liver disease, and towards the start of this month, she was put into hospice care. Which, is really just the beginning of the end. On Friday, my grandpa called my mom and told her that the doctor was giving my grandma only 8 hours to a few more days left. My mom bought a one-way plane ticket and flew out there (to New Mexico) that night.

The rest of us just waited.

We tried to do what we normally did. I hung out with my friends on Friday. Dad and Caulin did some scout stuff and then Caulin hung out with his friends on Saturday while my dad, Marin, and I went to dinner. But, there was definitely a different feeling during all of it. I hate waiting, especially when it's something I don't want to happen.

It was Saturday night when my mom texted my dad saying my grandma was going... "Now." My dad had figured out that he could have his phone read his texts for him out loud, and he played it over again several times. "Now." "Now." Now."

After about 15 minutes or so, my mom finally called and said my grandma had passed away. It wasn't until I was about to go to bed and was reading my scriptures and saying my prayers that I started balling. (And embarrassingly enough, this morning when I was getting set apart for a calling, I also started crying.) I have alot of mixed emotions though besides just sadness.

A part of me feels a little relieved that she is no longer in pain and that she didn't drag on in this state for a long time. A part of me is happy that she is now in a better place with my Uncle Quinn, somewhere where my grandma's been wanting to be for a long time now. A part of me, I'll admit, is jealous that she is in such a great place. A part of me is scared to see how the family dynamics both for my mom and aunt and uncle now and then the rest of us at reunions and such are going to change now that she's gone and it's just my grandpa. A part of me knows that I will see her again after this life. But a huge part of me is sad that she is gone.

I've always had this picture in my mind of how certain occasions in the future would be and who would be in those pictures. Just like my graduation from BYU, I've always imagined my whole family being with me for my master's graduation, my wedding, my first child... But now, in my mind, where I had placed my little grandma, there is now a black void. I realize this is very selfish of me. This I know, but I can't help but feel like my mind's picture is missing something. And I hate it.

I know I'll get over it, that this is all part of the grieving process, that she'll still be with me, and any other cliches people say when you don't know what to say when trying to comfort someone who is experiencing a loss. I get it, but I still don't feel any differently at the moment. Thanks, though.

My grandma was tiny, but she was a force to be reckoned. She lived a very hard life in Korea during and after the war, and some of that life we still don't know about, and what we do know might not even be true. She was basically a single mother, raising her children on her own in a tiny 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house. But despite the many trials she faced throughout her life, she carried on, giving all she could and going without for her family. I have some great memories of her, some hilarious like when she used my dad's wire cutters to prune a wild rose-bush in our backyard, but I loved the advice she gave me in her broken English.

She would always tell me that I needed to keep going to school and get a good job and make lots of money and then get married. She told me she was proud of me of how smart and independent I was. She always told me I needed to be a good sister and take care of my siblings and to honor my parents. She told me to be happy.

A while back I wrote another blog post on death. My past self sure made me think. I hope I can continue to live the life my grandma would tell me she is proud of.

I'll miss you grandma.