A Month After Graduation--Letter to a Friend

This is an email I sent to my friend Mary about my thoughts and feelings about having been graduated for a month now. It is kind of long and kind of like a rant, just to be forewarned.

Ugh... Mary, I feel lost. I only hang out with my family, and haven't made any friends in the singles ward yet (course I've only been once, so that's probably my fault). I am working at Bath and Body Works, so I mean it is a job, but I know I'm supposed to be looking for a real job, a career you know. I don't know I'm feeling kind of depressed.... no not depressed, melancholy if you will. I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't know when I'm going to figure it out. I want it to be soon, but I feel like I am in liminal space with no knowledge of what is to come.

I know what you're going to tell me; Mattie, go pray about it, read the scriptures. But see that's just it, I have, and I don't feel like I've gotten any answers. Don't worry, it's not like because of this I don't believe in the Church and I've lost my testimony because that's not it. I guess this is a trial of sorts, or maybe I'm supposed to do so many steps on my own before I get some light to be shed on some answers. I just don't know what steps!

It's been a month now that I've graduated, and the only thing I have to show for it is an English degree (which I've yet to receive in the mail) in which I have a part-time job at Bath and Body Works which has nothing to do with my major. I am living at home with my family which is ok for now, but I really don't want this to be too permanent of a residence. I only have two friends here, both of which are from high school (which means we aren't that close any more) and are non-members (which means we're really not that close anymore). One works at Starbucks, has been living at home with his family the whole time I've been at BYU and hasn't even gotten an Associate's degree yet. The other has also graduated, is going to be working at a camp all summer, and come August/September is going to Maine (yeah, that's right Maine) to go to graduate school so she can get her physical therapy doctorate/license.

I stay up till 2, 3, 4 in the morning most nights which in turn means I sleep in till 1, 1:30, 2 in the afternoon, unless of course I have work--the only thing I have that will force me to get up before the day is almost over. I feel like a total bum, I haven't even read any books! I have The Host sitting on my bedside table, and I have yet to crack it open and read it because I'm so freaking lazy! I'm in a rut, and I don't know how to get out of it, and the scary thing is, I'm not sure I want to get out of it. I mean, once I start thinking about it, I mean really thinking about it, I realize that this is not how the rest of my life is going to be, and I don't want it to be. But then I think about how easy I have it, I have a roof over my head, a farely decent job where I get a discount and get to test all different kinds of lotions and lip gloss (which also makes me smell like 20 different things by the time I get home), a family that loves me and are feeding me.

It's almost like I'm on vacation, except now, it's been a month, the longest time I've been at home since I came home for summer after my freshman year in college. And that's the problem, that's what I'm realizing. It's not a vacation, it's not like I'm going to go back to school soon, so I'm going to live the good life while I can. Soon, my parents aren't going to like the fact that I sleep in everyday (which I'm sure they're starting to get annoyed with already), and they are going to bug me about how I need to do something with my life besides work at Bath and Body Works (which they often confuse with Bed Bath and Beyond). They're going to kick me out and say, "You're on your own, come visit us once you have a job."

Ok, so I'm being a little dramatic, and I doubt it'll go that far. I don't see my parents ever kicking me out because I don't see myself ever getting to the point where I'm living at home not doing anything with my life. But, that's what I think of whenever I start imagining still living with my family by the end of this year. I don't know what to do though, I mean I can keep looking, applying for jobs, and sending out resumes but if they aren't going to get me a job, a real job, what am I going to do?

I think alot of my feeling this way has to do with the fact that I really haven't hung out with anyone my age in awhile. I miss my friends, quite frankly, and sometimes, ok alot of times, I wish I was back in Utah. I didn't think I'd ever say that, but I really had fun in Provo. Sometimes I think I should have stayed in Provo, but then I think that I would have felt the same way I'm feeling now, only with Melissa and Jill instead of my family. This is just a stage in my life that I was going to have to face, that I am facing, no matter where I ended up living. I just wish that I could get through this stage already and be at a different stage.... like getting married.

I Like the Way I Am

Note: This is a little personal and somewhat religious, just to warn you.

I want to be good, but I can't change who I am. Please tell me that I don't have to be a good little Molly Mormon in order to do what's right. I can't change my personality; I like who I am. I like that I am funny, and occasionally sarcastic. I think as long as I know I am joking and the people around me know that, I don't think I'm hurting anyone. I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings, and when I'm being sarcastic that is not my ultimate goal. Please tell me that I don't have to become a sterotypical "Utah" Mormon that prays about every single thing, who is shy and quiet and subservient. I don't want to change into that. I know there are plenty of things I have done wrong that I'm sure I need to repent for. But I hope that it won't mean I have to completely change who I am. I like my independence, my ability to find humor in almost anything, my ability to tell people exactly what I think and how I feel.

I would think that the Lord would not want us to be the same, that He wouldn't want us all to be cookie-cutter Mormons that all look and act the same. I would think that the Lord appreciates those who have humor; I would think that He admires those who can be independent and not have to rely completely on others to survive; I would think that the Lord appreciates those that don't sugar-coat things because isn't that in a way lying? Wouldn't it be better to tell someone the truth so they could become better instead of falsly thinking they are something that they are not. Not that the ultra-Mormon people are horrible; we need people like them in the world (Church) too. I'm just saying that I don't think its possible, necessary or even wanted to have everyone like that.

We are all different, and I know that we are that way on purpose. I think that the Lord wants us to change to become better, but not change to become different than who we were meant to be. I know that we need to change our actions not our personality. We all have different personalities, and we were made that way for a reason. If we were all the same it would be boring and would even lead to mindlessness which in my mind is a lot like Satan's plan. We need to embrace who we are and realize that while there are some things we should change to make ourselves better people, there are things that are inherently who we are that if we should change them we loose ourselves, our identity. Once we loose or change our original personality that God has created, in a way we are discarding this gift from the Lord and essentially telling Him that we don't like how He has made us because we aren't like all those other "good little Mormons." Embrace who you are and your personality because it is a gift and in the end it is all we will have.

Hello! Good Morning! The Real World is Calling!

I didn't think it would come so soon. I thought I still had some time left. I thought I could put it off for just a little while longer. You know hit the snooze button a couple times before I had to face the real world, beyond college. Whenever I thought about my future, my life once I graduated, it seemed so far away. It felt as if that day (when I had to survive in the real world) would never come. Last semester that fog started to lift and my future seemed to be a lot closer to my present than I had originally thought it was. Despite the real world being so close and near my grasp, I was distracted by the fact that I was going to be graduating. I only had one more semester until I was finally done with school. I was looking to the future, but not very far.

I knew I needed to start thinking about what I was doing after I graduated. I knew I needed to find a job; was I going to move back home for a while, or only a little bit? I knew I needed to start applying for jobs, but I thought I had time, a month or so at least. Then it happened. The real world called to say I no longer had the time I thought I did. That month I had, or thought I had, was over, and it was beginning to be crunch time. What was this wake-up call? Ironically enough, it was an actual phone call.

Right before my last class of the day started on Friday, I got a call from a number I didn't know. Unfortunately, I was in a basement, so the call was dropped before I could figure out who it was. Then my class started; so I couldn't call the person back. So, after I get out of my class, I call the number back to figure out who it is. Turns out he's a recruiter for an insurance type company located in Dallas, and he found my resume on the BYU erecruiting website. He wanted me to come to a lecture the CEO of the company was giving at BYU, and then come to their booth at the Career Fair so that he could meet me. I gave him my email so he could send me more information on the job.

Oh, funny side note: He thought I had hung up on him when it actually just dropped the call, so he deleted my information and resume from their database. Kind of a quick jump to a conclusion don't you think?

I immediately called my dad to tell him I think I just got offered a job. I was shocked and excited at first, but then I realized yeah, it's a job, but not one I want to do. My dad basically said that a job's a job and that it could be a backup plan. "If you're starving on the streets, a job is a job," says my dad. "You're going to put me out on the streets and let me starve?" I reply. "No. I'm just saying...," my dad sheepishly answers.

Well after that uplifting conversation with my father, the full effect of the real world's call finally hit me. If I want to get a job in something I actually want to do, something I would enjoy doing (because I can tell you right now that insurance job is something I do not want to do. I'm sorry; it does not sound all that appealing to me) for the rest of my life, I need to start now because soon, I won't have any time left. As much as I wanted to put off the fact that I would soon be thrust into the real world, the time has come. I think I'll be okay, I'm not too worried about finding a job (I mean that insurance company is just begging me to come). What I am worried about is finding a career or a job that can lead me to the career that I want.

I've got lots to worry about this semester actually: finding a job, keeping up with my school work, getting things ready for graduation, and later on in the semester packing my things. Even though I have these worries, and I have a lot of things I have to think about, I still am going to try to find a balance and still have fun. It's my last semester, and I want it to be one I will remember. I want to have fun and be with my friends. The real world may be calling, but I have call waiting.

The Unattainable

Side note: This one's long and I apologize. Also, I apologize for not updating in a while.... ummm... deal with it.

Why do I always like guys that are completely unavailable and unattainable? I always get a crush on a guy who ends up getting into a relationship with someone else, or is already in one, or they are completely out of my league. Eithere there is no possible way they could like me, or they are someone that will never know I even exist, like someone famous. For the longest time (in middle school only) I was in love with Leonardo DiCaprio (I mean back then, who wasn't?), believe me I have now seen the error of my ways. All I have to say is it was when Titanic was hugely popular and everyone loved it; that is until no one's heart wanted to go on any longer.

But, since middle school, I've tried to realize that those famous people are not worth the time and energy that I have expended by liking them. Now, this includes "famous" people that are just famous on my college campus. Guys in Divine Comedy and Vocal Point that I know I will never meet and talk to even though we go to the same school. (I just admire them and their talent from afar.)

Despite making this realization, I still like guys that I know, have met, and talked with, but they will not like me though. Now I'm not trying to be all "woe is me," drowning myself in self-pity; I'm trying to figure out why I like this type of guy. Do I like being hurt when I finally realize nothing will happen? No, I don't think I like feeling that way, and I think deep down I know it will happen so I don't throw myself into it as much (although it may appear to some that I have).

No, I think I like unavailable guys because its safe. I can feel like a normal girl who likes a boy, and I can have something to talk about with my friends. But, no matter how much I dream up situations where we casually run into each other, I know that it won't happen, and I won't truly deeply fall in love so I won't truly, deeply get hurt when the real relationship gets torn apart.

I think I'm afraid, maybe subconsciously more than consciously, of what a real relationship consists of and how I could get hurt. I think it's my way of protecting myself against the unknown. Now, you're probably wondering what prompted such a post. Well, I had a friend my freshman year (yes, a guy) that went on a mission for two years. I liked him right before he left, and honestly he was the only guy from my freshman ward that I wrote to while they were on their mission. I started thinking that maybe when he came home we could go on a date, and perhaps something would come from it.

I think because he was on another continent made it easier so that I could like him (you know that whole unavailable, unattainable thing). Well, he's home now, and I talked to him online a couple times (and it was awkward, yes even online). But I imagined that maybe it was because he had recently returned home, and when he came back to BYU for the winter he would be back to normal. I then noticed just recently (a couple months after the awkward online conversation) that his facebook and changed to reveal that he was in a relationship. By this point I decided I was over him, that nothing was going to happen, so it didn't matter to me that he was in a relationship (I was liking a different seemingly unattainable guy in my current ward).

Then, just yesterday a girl from my freshman floor randomly started messaging me online. I haven't talked to her in a while, like almost a couple years (maybe a year and a half) ago. We talked about the usual--school, what we are doing in/with our lives after school, when we're graduating. She asked me if anything exciting has happened in my life. Of course, nothing has. I asked her the same, and she preceded to tell me about how she got her mission call, but she is putting it off for four months because of a boy.

After some questioning, she told me she was dating this same guy I had previously discovered was in a relationship. She told me things were pretty serious and that she had flown to his house in Washington last weekend. She also told me she had been engaged last summer and had broken it off with this guy who was her missionary that she had when we were freshmen. After some random topics--she wanted me to recommend some movies--we both said goodbye.

What I felt, after she told me of her relationship, was oddly something very similar to jealousy. I didn't want to talk to her anymore; I didn't want her to tell me how well their relationship was going. Why was I feeling this way? I had known he was in a relationship; I didn't care, right? Why was I caring now?? I guess for some reason I still hoped that something might happen between us. I knew that they liked each other freshman year, and now that I knew it was her he was dating, I lost all hope. I then remembered that even though he would write me a birthday letter, he would still ask me about the other girls on my floor that I knew he liked before he left on his mission.

My dream--my protection of liking someone unattainable--was shattered, and it was brought very close to home. (Side note, most recent thought while typing this: I can't explain it, but it's different when you find out the guy you sort of liked is dating a random girl you don't know rather than a girl you actually do know. Before, I knew he was in a relationship, but I assumed it was some random girl from home, and I didn't care. I guess I thought to myself, well I'm sure I'm better in some way than this other girl. But, when I knew the girl he was dating, I knew how awesome she is compared to me and knew I could never compete. The fact I know her makes me feel even more insignificant.)

I don't know why her telling me bothered me so much. Maybe its because, finally, I realized how stupid, pathetic, and idiotic these crushes were. What is wrong with finding someone that I could actually really like rather than someone I only romanticize and love from a distance. Yeah, I could get hurt, and I probably would, but it would help me grow and become a better person.

I don't know when it will happen, but I'm ready to like someone real. Not a Prince Charming, but a regular normal guy with all of his faults that likes me for me, and I like him for him. Which brings me to my most recent crush/liking... That guy in my ward that I mentioned... not as unattainable as I thought...there are some real possibilities. Of course, nothing could happen, and if so, that's okay. I can handle it... I think.

It's about time...

So, every summer I try to make a list of things that I want to accomplish by the end of the summer. I figure, I'm just working so I should have time to do these things. And every summer, I always end up doing maybe one or two things on my list or starting them and never finishing them. Like last summer. I signed up for an Independent Study class and told myself that I would finish it last summer. Well, last summer came and went, and pretty sure I had only gotten to lesson 6, and school was starting. I convinced myself that I had till the next summer and had plenty of time, but that was not true. It was coming down to the wire, and so I signed up for an extension. So what was on my list this summer? Finish that dang Independent Study Class. I am happy to report, that even though it was down to the wire and I was cutting it close, I finished my class 2 days before the deadline! I then took my final (which I had 30 days to take) and then I was done. I was so proud of myself, I had actually finished the class! To top it all off, I got an A! I also finished 3 or 4 other things that were on my list, and I am proud to say that finally, I completed almost all of my list. I think this is the first summer in a long while when that has happened. Go me!

In other news, I am going back home to Texas tomorrow, and I will be home for a week. It's been since Christmas since I've seen my family so I am glad that I will see them. So, life is going pretty well and I am glad because then school starts...

My Brush With the Law

Note: I'm telling this story to Mary as I'm typing it. Before I even start she laughs at my title and says that I have a flare for the dramatic. (Mary's comments are pink, mine are purple)

So, I'm coming home from my friend's house last night around 12:30 at night (my house?), and, quite frankly, I just wanted to get home because I had work in 5 hours (Mary says it's 6 1/2... technicalities.) Me, being the slightly lethargic person that I was, I was driving and not really paying attention to my speed. But, it's not like I was actually excessively speeding. I mean I wasn't going 60. But, on campus the speed limit is 30 ... down a hill. So, of course you're going to go faster, right? I just decided not to use my brakes. (And keep my foot on the accelerator. But I didn't.)

So, I go down the hill, minding my own business, rocking out to Avril Lavigne, and I turn the corner to go down the street to my house. I'm about to turn in to my apartment complex when I notice there are very bright, flashing cop lights behind me. So, my first thought is, is he pulling me over? Then, since he turns in behind me, I figure, yes it is me. I can't for the life of me figure out what I did, unless you're not allowed to turn right on a red, which I'm pretty sure you can.

So, I'm about 10 feet away from a parking spot in my complex, and the cop after a bit finally walks up to my car. He informs me that the reason he pulled me over was that I was going 40 when the limit on campus is 30. I acknowledge that indeed the limit is 30, and I didn't realize that I was going that fast. He asks for my license and registration, and I, never having been pulled over before (You've never been pulled over before?), have no idea what my registration looks like. So, I pull out what is more than likely it, and it is and he takes my registration and license back to his car.

He sits in his car, looking up who knows what, (like all my BYU parking tickets) (How many parking tickets do you have?) for what seemed forever. More than likely it was probably about 10 minutes (whatever 5 minutes and I bet he let you off on a warning because you weren't going that fast you're not supposed to guess yet). Mean time I'm sitting in my car wondering, how much it's going to cost, what my mom's going to say when I tell her and how embarrassed I am sitting in the parking lot of my apartment complex as people walk/ drive by. After all these questions plagued my mind (I would have been crying. I was crying. But that makes you sound like you're mad), my emotions could no longer take it. I started crying.

By the time the cop came back to my window I was basically balling (ahhh sad, I probably wouldn't have actually been crying). I had my head on the steering wheel crying. The cop came over (Mary proceeded to say "so sad" throughout the rest of this story), asked me where my local address here was (because I had a Texas license and registration) (right there) and I pointed to my apartment 20 feet away and said right over there. I gave him my actual address and he said, "Well, this time I'm just going to give you a warning. But, you really need to be careful and more aware because we have little kids that run around and play, and you need to be aware." (Little kids!? At 12:30!? Across the street from a college campus!? Dumb, bored policeman!?)

I tell him thank you and he walks away. I pull in to the parking spot, and walk sadly, dejectedly (melodramatically) to my apartment. I'm greeted by my roommate, and we talk for a bit and of course I tell her of my recent experience. In which she replies, "That was you!?" (THE END)

(You can't end it like that. It needs closure. Closure is in the line before. That's not closure if you add another sentence.)

An eye-opening experience

Well, I figured it's been well since before Thanksgiving and I should update this thing soon. (Now that there's 2 more days till Christmas). I had a very eye-opening experience. Usually when it comes to flying home I'm not too worried about not getting there, until this time. The day before I was supposed to leave for home, my dad tells me that the Denver airport is shut down because of a huge snow storm. And of course my flight has a layover in Denver before it gets to Dallas. I hope that by the time my flight is the next day it will be ok, and I'll get to go home anyway. That evening, however, I learn that the airport will not reopen till after my flight so both my flights were cancelled. I was on hold with United and Travelocity forever, and my parents tried too. This was the point that I started to worry, well more than worry freak out. In fact, I started to cry. For the first time in my life, I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to make it home in time for Christmas. I then of course went through all the worse-case scenarios in my head. I would be stuck in Provo and have to either spend Christmas alone in my apartment, or worse with my Aunt and Uncle that live in Provo. It's awkward enough going over to their house for Sunday dinner, how was I going to survive Christmas! But, this fear of not being home in time for Christmas really helped me see how important family is at Christmas time, and really all the time. I know it's fun to be out on your own and experience things independently, but there are times, especially around the holidays that family helps make things better. So what if your family is crazy like on Christmas Vacation, deep down (maybe deeper for some) it's that crazyness that makes fond memories for years and years to come. Granted the thought I might not go home for Christmas didn't last too long, it still made me have a greater understanding and appreciation of my family. I am going home, for those that were wondering, it's not till Christmas Eve, but at least I'll be home for Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Where are you Thanksgiving? (Revisited)

So, I had just finished a rocking good Halloween time, and reunited with some old friends. After I had taken them home, I turned on my radio. It was midnight (so officially November 1st) and what do I hear playing on the station??? Christmas music!!!!!! What???? Are you kidding me??? Oh, and I definitely exclaimed this out loud in my car because I was in complete and utter shock. We haven't even finished off the halloween candy or taken our costumes off and we are already expected to start thinking of Christmas. Hello! We still have another holiday (and month for that matter) before Christmas! I know I discussed this on my xanga last year, but I decided it was time to revisit the article I wrote. Why? Because quite frankly I am mad. I enjoy Thanksgiving and it gets pushed aside like a scrauny kid waiting for his turn on the slide. Commercialism has turned one of my favorite holidays (and that is Christmas) into something that it should have never become: all about presents, and gifts, and money. It's about Christ's birth and celebrating that fact. Thanksgiving gets the short straw, and the raw end of the deal by many because, there is no buying of gifts or money to be had except for maybe the grocery stores. It's sad. Anyway, here's the "article" I wrote last year:

Where are you Thanksgiving?

Now that Halloween has come and gone, and we all have enough candy to last us for quite some time, what’s the next major holiday? I would assume it would be Thanksgiving, right? I was surprised to walk into the BYU Bookstore to find that my suspicion was wrong. Everywhere I looked there was garland with red and green bows, wreaths, and other Christmas merchandise. Even one of the radio stations has already begun to play Christmas music 24/7. What ever happened to Thanksgiving? I do feel very sorry for this much overlooked and sometimes forgotten holiday. When even searching on the internet, I found there were 49,808,107 more matches for Christmas than for Thanksgiving. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas and all that comes with it as much as the next guy, but it seems like Thanksgiving really doesn’t matter. It just gets lumped in with the “Holiday Season,” and we go from Halloween to Christmas or the “holidays.” I asked a fellow peer, Brittany Bowcutt, what Thanksgiving meant to her, and her reply was, “I get a lot of food.” Many other people when asked the same question respond similarly. Some reply food, football, turkey, sleeping, no school etc. Few, if any, answer being grateful, or about the background of this holiday. Thanksgiving is an integral part of the history of the United States. In 1621, the Pilgrim’s that had settled in the New World had had a successful, wonderful harvest after a very hard year. They had made peace with the Indians nearby, and they had enough food to last them through the harsh winter. This feast of harvest and of thanks became a tradition, and in 1863 Abraham Lincoln made it official and declared this day of Thanksgiving a national holiday. I really do enjoy Thanksgiving, and it is not just because of the food or the parades. Having a day specifically set aside to think about and truly ponder everything in this world that we are grateful for is wonderful. How often do we think of all the things that have blessed our lives? I know I have thousands of things I should be grateful for, and I am grateful that I have Thanksgiving to think of all them.

There is still goodness in this world.

I know it's been awhile, but I wanted to update on something that happened to me a while ago that reaffirmed to me that there are still good people without an angle. I was parking my car, parallel parking mind you, and I had found a spot, but it was rather tight. So I was trying to manuever my car so it would fit, and a very nice guy was walking by. He stopped and helped me back up telling me when to stop etc. Then when I was in my spot I waved, he waved and then he continued onto class. I don't know who he was (although I wish I did because he was also kind of cute as well as helpful), but whoever he was I want to thank him for helping my jaded view of life become a little less so. If you ever feel like the state of the world is terrible and you feel like there is nothing that is possibly good here, one thing that makes me think this is not so is Lost and Found. The fact that we still have lost and found places, and that people actually use it and return things they have found, is a testament that people still have a sense of honesty. Lost and found is always there to remind me that there is still some goodness in this world.

Time for an update...

Well, after someone complained that I needed to update, I decided I should probably listen. School is definitely well on its way and things are okay. I like my classes for the most part. My Shakespeare teacher is completely insane and I think he's on drugs. He just sings randomly and we are so behind that I haven't even read and I'm still ok. Spanish is going to kill me this semester, but hopefully I'll pass and then I won't have to take any more Spanish classes. School's going well, I'm working too at the Cannon Center stuffing mailboxes. Not the most exciting, but it's pretty relaxed. Let's see... what else. I tried out for Divine Comedy, but I did not make it. Oh well, I'm glad I tried out and I'm so excited for the first show. (Friday Oct. 13th) After moving farther from campus, I have come to know and despise the parking and traffic of BYU. In one week, I got a parking ticket, was told not to issue myself vistor's passes (dang it) and then to top it all off, my car got towed! It's a long story, one I do not want to revisit so I'm not going to. I'm getting used to apartment life, although a few of my roommates aren't exactly my favorite people. I'll just have to deal with it though. Not much going on, I want the semester to be over already and I'm not even a month in yet. My ward is truly not as much fun as a freshman ward, and it will definitely take more effort to try to get to know and meet everyone. I haven't met too many, but hopefully I will. Ok, I think I'm rambling now so I will stop. Hope everyone else is having a great week! TTYL!

I guess Xanga blockage was just on temporary leave.

Well, I suppose to start off the new school year BYU has now blocked xanga again. I don't know if it'll come back, but oh well. I'm flexible. I'm up for a change. Speaking of which, I have to move in a week... to an apartment. I've never lived in an apartment and I'm excited and afraid at the same time. I don't really know what to expect, and I'm trying to have a positive mood. We'll see how things go and I'm hoping that the fact that I'm the oldest in the apartment won't make things too awkward with my roommates. I've emailed my actual room roommate and she seems pretty nice. She's a sophmore and is from Salt Lake City. The other two girls in the apartment (also sophmores) were on the floor above me last year when I was an RA. Again, hopefully it won't be awkward. But, I found out that I can move in early into my apt. so I need to start packing so that on my day off next week I can just move everything over.

This week we didn't have any conferences so they made us do mindless, and sometimes tedious and exhausting projects for us to get our hours. The first day we had to go over to DT and move beds from the tower they are knocking down to another tower. I have huge bruises on my legs and I smashed my finger. It's not too bad, it's purple but not black. But, it hurts to type this... and yet I keep typing. But then, yesterday I got to paint the windows with a welcome sign which was fun.

Also this week, we revisted our CA quote board from the start of this summer. It was hilarious and we typed it up so we could all have a nice copy. I was talking with my fellow CA and bathroom buddy, Libby, about how much fun this summer was. I started thinking about what would have happened if instead I had just gone home this summer. I have a feeling it would have been fun at first, but I would have been dying to come back. But, having stayed here, I met new people and became really good friends with others. Sometimes it was hard, and there was drama, but we came out of it and grew from it. I learned more about myself and who I am and what my plans are. But, more importantly I had fun, and I know that this will be one of the summers I will always remember and cherish. I'm going to miss all my fellow CAs, no my friends, and hanging out in the CANC after hours, watching movies, midnight runs to Maceys, Walmart or Wendy's, all the laughs and jokes about the cafeteria food. All in all I had a blast, and I'm glad I stayed in Provo. Let's hope this school year will be just as exciting and fun as this summer. Here's hoping!

Not in a good mood...

I don't know what it is about today, but I have just not been in a good mood. I got to sleep in, I watched some t.v. and ate some noodles in my room. The start of a pretty relaxing day eh? But, then I started work, maybe that's why. I was just not in the mood. I was roving, which I hate doing, and I worked from 5 till midnight just roving. While I was roving I was supposed to be thinking of CA awards for the BBQ appreciation thing we are having on Saturday. Every time I got ready to think of something I would get called for a lockout or have to put a note on the door. Then when I did have time to think of stuff I couldn't think of anything. So then I had some of the other CAs brainstorm with me which was fine, we thought of some good ones. So, someone else was supposed to come help me with them and she was late. This did not get me too upset because she told me she was going to be. So anyway, we start narrowing down which ones we do, and I kind of felt like she was taking over even though this was my job. Then I kept getting called while we were in the middle. After we had narrowed down the 5 for people to vote on, we had to think of something for everyone. Every time I would try to focus on it, she would end up talking about something else and get off topic. Then she says she'll take 2 of these other people to get chips and salsa. I had to go do some roving thing so I said, you take them to the store and I'll go do this and then we can talk about it when you get back. Of course she takes the list of awards with her to the store and she never came back. I just got a call from her at 1 am asking if I had finished them. I told her she had the paper so I wouldn't have been able to finish them. Then she goes, oh yeah I do, well I'll just do them, or we can do them tomorrow. So she said that she was going to think about it and bring a list tomorrow and we can decide. Now, I know this is a stupid and ridiculous, insignificant thing to be upset about, but I am upset about it. I feel like she gave me the assignment to think of awards only to take it back so she could do them all. Then she was getting mad because I wasn't thinking of any "funny" stuff. I was not in a funny mood because I was mad at her. Ok, I just had to get it off my chest because I was angry about it. I'm going to watch a movie and calm down and I should be fine. To anyone who reads this, thanks for reading...

My Day Off...

Today is my day off from work, and what have I done? Absolutely nothing, which is pretty amazing. I slept, ate breakfast, slept somemore, ate lunch, and then helped Libby delete stuff off her computer. But, now that I have gotten my fair share of nothingness, I am now bored and want to go do something. The question is what? Let's hope I figure it out before the end of the day. Oh, exciting news: I was able to swing getting the whole day off for my birthday! WOO HOO! Hope everyone had a fabulous fourth of July yesterday. Sad to say mine wasn't too exciting. I worked and played Taboo with some CAs and 2 boys from the Lacrosse camp. It was fun and those 2 kids are hilarious! Well, hope everyone has a great day!

Maybe BYU just likes to freak me out...

So, I decided to just see if I could get on xanga today, like perhaps if they heard my complaint and decided to change it. And guess what?! It's working now. So I really don't get it. But, I think I shall use this blog more though so I can get used to it or what not. But, I'll probably use xanga to comment on people's. Ugh... BYU, why must you be so difficult?

Warm Welcome to all!

So, most likely the reason I have you here is probably because you found out that my xanga site will no longer be in use. And, you really care about me and want to know what's going on, and figured this would be the next best way to find out. Because of xanga I rarely used this blog, but now that I can't go on to xanga while on-campus anymore I will use this more frequently. If this gets blocked, I'll just find another venue. But, bookmark this page and add it to your favorites so you can check back and see what's up with my life. I'll try to update it as much as I can. All I can say is welcome, welcome, welcome.

Finals..

Well, I'm just trying to survive during finals and check-outs week. Let's hope I can make it through ok. I'm starting to pack which is good because I have a feeling it is going to take me awhile. I wish I had more to say but I don't... Sorry to disappoint for anyone that reads this (which is like no one).

1st post!

Just started... will update well whenever I remember I have this thing...