Valentine's Day

First off, I guess I'm not doing too well on the New Year's Resolution of updating my blog once a week. I'm sorry, I'm going to try to do better.

Secondly, it's Valentine's Day today. What am I doing (besides typing on this blog, anyway)? I'm sitting at home, all alone, and I just finished watching Somewhere in Time, which lucky for me is starting back up again for an "encore" presentation. I'll probably watch the beginning (since I started watching part way through and I always seem to miss the beginning) and change to watching some other romance/romantic comedy movie like Sleepless in Seattle, Sweet Home Alabama, or whatever else the TV stations have decided to play.

Little side note/fact, my middle name "Elyse" actually came from this movie (or so my mom says) from the main character, Elise McKenna in Somewhere in Time played by Jane Seymour, of course with a slight spelling alteration.

Here's the thing, even though I am all alone on Valentine's Day, a holiday in which everyone from Hallmark to Target says you're supposed to be with someone you love, I do not feel upset or sad, not in the slightest. I, remarkably enough, don't even feel sorry for myself. Granted, I would want to be out with my friends, but I'd want to be doing that even if it weren't Valentine's. But after a pretty busy, fun-filled 2 days last weekend, it's kind of nice to just sit, relax, and have the house to myself.

Funny thing, I haven't really felt bombarded by the Valentine's Day extravagance. Usually, it's because the mushy, gushy, lovey dovey crap is everywhere you go that people start to get depressed that they don't have a person to share a box of chocolates with. I haven't really had time to go to the stores in which this stuff is, so I haven't really felt too suffocated by the Valentine's Day memorabillia.

But, it's not like I've sat watching sappy love movies with a bucket of ice cream all day. This morning I volunteered by helping tutor kids for the TAKS test in a downtown Dallas school. It was crazy early, but it was so worth it. I met the coolest, funniest kids, some of which I really can't pronounce or spell their names. But, I had fun. I helped with the 4th grade writing. For the first group we wrote a story using the words homeless person, magazine, and rainy day. It wasn't an exciting story, but I loved at the end how the kids said that the homeless person, Max, went home to his box and read his magazine in the rain.

The second group wrote a story using the words party, Abraham Lincoln, and DVD. That story was hilarious; Abe Lincoln had a history party in which he invited all the presidents, including John F. Kennedy, to play presidential games like jeopardy and "scramble" and watch a DVD of Abe's life, including his teenage years. Then, at the end of the party, all the other presidents gave Abe a present, a new suit and hat. Oh... it was great.

All in all, a good Valentine's day is spent with people you love, but who says it has to be someone you've known for a long time? I met some great people that volunteered with me, and those kids were awesome. Well, hope everyone else had a great Valentine's day whatever you ended up doing. Oh... got to go, I think I just saw that A Walk to Remember is on....

New Year's Resolutions

Since we are nearing the end of the first month of the year, I figured I should probably say something about New Year's Resolutions. Here's the deal... I'm actually not a huge fan of them. I used to buy into the whole tradition of setting a goal for the year, but I always seemed to fail before the month was out and/or my resolution was something near impossible to begin with. I've learned, however, that making resolutions isn't a bad thing, for many people it helps them focus and accomplish goals. But, for the rest of us normal people, we usually give up. Why? Because we are creatures of habit, and although we commit at the first of every year to change our ways, time and time again we only slip back into them.

Now because I notice this trend in myself, for a few years I never set actual goals and what not. I always told myself that my one resolution (the main one, anyway) was to be a better person than I was the year before. I never used to have specifics, but I would try to just be better, nicer, more confident, etc. than I was. While this is great and fantastic, it's hard to measure your progress if you don't have specific things to look at. And, it's hard to accomplish a goal without a game plan. As a friend of mine always says, "Plan for success."

With that said, I decided this year, since it's my first official year as a real-world, working adult, I should probably have a set, written plan for things that would make me a better person. I'm not going to share all of them with the world because many of them are personal (be more spiritual, more healthy, etc.--I have more specifics/plans, so don't you worry), but I will share the ones that you can help me with and the ones I'm most excited about (that's right, I'm excited for a few of my resolutions). First there's the usual/normal ones:

• Finish reading several of the books on my shelf (some of which I have started, but haven't finished), namely The Host, Breaking Dawn, The Princess Bride, and I Am America (And So Can You). (I also had another one on the list that I just finished! YAY!)
• Finish some projects: Photo album, graduation scrapbook, and Mom & Dad's stockings (which were started when I was in middle school/high school... I know I'm pathetic).

Then there are the ones that you can help me with/remind me of:

• Write on my blog more often, meaning at least once a week.
• Be a nicer, kinder person: do something nice, even if it's something small like a smile or compliment, for someone everyday without the hope or expectation of being acknowledged, thanked, or recognized; do it because you want to.
• In that same tone--volunteer more often, do something service-oriented at least one a month.

Ok, and now, apart from my favorite goal of catching up on movie-watching, this one is the one I'm most excited for!

• Do something new and different/learn something new every month.

Each month I listed something that I was going to do. Now because I kind of want to keep some of them a surprise and show you the documentation of my newly acquired skill/experience, I'm not going to list all of them. However, I'm on a fantastic start because January was to learn how to sew a skirt. That's right, I sewed a skirt (blog post with pictures coming soon). And as an enticement for you... for the month of February I'm learning a new dance move (or dance) and the art of flirting.

I'm so excited for this last one, and because I'm so excited and that I have a game plan, I know I'll be ok at accomplishing this one. For the others, here's the last thing I wrote on my "New Year's Resolutions" paper and I hope it helps you in your pursuit of resolutions, too:

Realize that it's never too late for anything. If I fall behind, or "fail," I can start up again or start over. What's important is that I try to be better. The fun is the journey and the growth while in the process. If I don't complete all of my goals, I just have to remember, there's always next year. :)

My Non-Date

I apologize to those of you who have already heard this story from me already. I'll try to keep it succinct because I'm sure you don't want to hear about it again. Here goes:

On Christmas Eve, this guy from Church called me to go to the movies with him that day. My family wasn't really doing anything till later on, so I agreed to go with him. Honestly, I should have just stayed at home playing Rockband with my brother. So, he picks me up and pays for the movie, so this is sort of like a date, right? WRONG! The entire time he cried and boo-hooed/whined to me about his ex-girlfriend and how he couldn't understand why she broke up with him because he totally thought she was the "one"! Oh... my... gosh. Seriously? So I knew from the moment I got into his car on the way to the movie theater, this was not a date.

Maybe he sees me as a friend (even though we've only spoken for more than 5 min. one other time before), so I decide to try to help him by giving him advice on what to say to this girl and how to get over this situation. Nope, that didn't work; I could tell he didn't want to hear it.

So then, I think maybe he wants a distraction. I try to change the subject to something a little happier--Christmas. Well, not only does it bring him back to his ex-girlfriend (Side note: We talked about the weather and he had to tell me the weather in the place where his ex is vacationing. Can we say obsessed? I did and told him so.), he brings up that his family isn't having Christmas because his dad got laid off.

By the time he was dropping me off at home after the movie, he had told me how he broke up with his girlfriend, his dad got laid off, he misses his brother because he left on a mission, and his grandmother just got diagnosed with cancer. To sum up he told me that 2008 had been the crappiest year of his life. Wow...

The movie wasn't even that great either. I think I was more than helpful and nice with the situation. I tried my best, but believe me when I got home, boy was I so happy to be there with my annoying brothers. Let's hope I don't have a repeat experience. Yeah, definitely not a date.

I know, I know..

I know! I'm such a slacker. I really have thought to myself that I need to blog. So many ideas and topics come to my head that I want to blog/write about, but then I forget them, or I run out of time to do them. Just to let y'all know, I am alive... Here's what I hope to be posting about soon (no not today; I need to go to bed):

• What do you do when a "date" isn't really a date, but more like a "Listen to me whine and try to comfort me as I miss my ex-girlfriend and how much I'd rather be with her than you," shoulder-to-cry-on date?
• New Year's Resolutions or lack there of
• Realizing that if something happens, you just have to accept it and have it help you not hinder you (kind of a "lemons make lemonade" concept)
• Why is it that guys don't notice things like haircuts? Is it they're just oblivious and don't pay attention, or is it deeper than that (they don't want to seem "womanly")?
• Oh how true that song by Bowling For Soup "High School Never Ends" really is
• Spontaneous trip taking and ticket purchasing--Why do I second guess it after it's too late?
• Learning how to sew--why don't they teach you how to sew something a little more useful in Home Ec than how to sew a pillow?
• Why I should be the next DJ/ in charge of music for the next YSA Dance
• The Quest to replace Old Blue--what's happened to my car anyway?
• I promise I'm a little more interesting and do know more than just grammar
• I really need to get out more... meaning I really want to go out on a date (a real one this time)

Ok... I've got more, but that should be good for now. Be on the look out for the above topics. I promise I'll try to be better about this whole bloggin' thing. (One of those New Year's Resolutions, if you will).

Change Sucks... Deal with it.

I came to Church today as if it were any other Sunday. I had an activities committee meeting before hand, and I knew I had to stay after for tithing settlement. But, other than that, it was like any other Sunday, or so I thought. As soon as I walked into the chapel for sacrament meeting, I knew something was up. There were about 15 priesthood holders on the stand all trying to decide where to sit. Obviously, we weren't going to have a normal fast and testimony meeting.

After the sacrament, the stake president got up and started reading from the Church handbook about the Singles Ward and the guidelines in establishing it. This of course put me on edge because I started thinking that they might get rid of the Singles Ward, and I'd have to go to church with my family. But then he laid the bombshell on me. They were creating a singles branch in Allen to be comprised of the Allen and McKinney stakes, meaning that now the Dallas 11th ward (where I've been attending) is comprised of the Richardson and Plano stakes.

What???? What is going on? I can't tell you how many thoughts flooded my mind as they started reading and establishing this new singles branch. They had everyone stand that would be attending the new allen branch, and I refused to stand. No, I will not be going; I don't want to go to Allen. I have to move; I have to find an apartment in Plano, right now. I will just keep going to D11.

Then the person sitting next to me tells me that I have to go to Allen or my home ward. I didn't know what to do. Then, they had everyone attending the Dallas 11th ward to stand up, and I continued to sit. At that moment, I felt lost, confused, and although it's an insignificant and a ridiculous thing to get upset about, it really did shake my testimony. I had just been getting established; I was making friends and having fun. Within an hour, I had so many thoughts and emotions run through my mind as the various stake presidents stood and bore their testimony and their belief that this change is from the Lord.

I couldn't hold it back any longer, I just let the tears stream down my face. (Side note: I went to the bathroom after the meeting, and my mascara was not smeared in the slightest. Go Max Factor.) At first I kept thinking of all the ways that I wouldn't have to go to the new branch. I could just keep going to D11 and refuse to change; I could get married; I could move; I could see if I could get premission to stay. Then I thought about how I still had to help with all these activities; I couldn't just say oh well, not in the ward any more, you're on your own. In fact I still want to go to them and help with them, unofficially of course.

I'll admit it, I was angry and upset, and I wasn't sure what I was going to do, if I could even do anything. But, by the end of Church, I realized that I was just going to have to suck it up because the Gospel is true, and the Church is true. And no matter what happens, no matter what changes, the Savior will always be there for me to help me deal with these changes. I was being selfish, wanting things to work my way, but maybe it won't be that bad. I'm definitely being bitter about it all, but I know that I can't do anything about it. I'm still going to go to activities, and for the friends I made that will be in the other ward, I will definitely make the effort to see them. I'm really really trying to deal with it and be positive... but I kind of want to stew about it for a while. Don't worry, I'll get over it... I'm already starting to.

What's wrong with Merry Christmas?

I apologize for taking so long to post something. There were many times that I wanted to post, but life got pretty crazy. My Thanksgiving was good, and yes I am thankful for loads of things... I just didn't post about it. Now that the things that prevented me from posting earlier are through with, I can now talk about one of the things that has been bugging me--Why all the hesitation in wishing someone a Merry Christmas?

I came across an article in which many retailers "tiptoe" around "Christmas," opting for the more generic, all-encompasing "Holiday." I, too, have found myself holding back my well wishes just in case because I don't want to "offend" anyone. But after thinking about it, why should I have to be so careful and be so generic when truly wishing someone well? I even bought a set of "winter" cards along with my "Christmas" cards for those people (co-workers mainly) that I was unsure whether giving them a Christmas card might not be the best idea.

You know, I respect the fact that other people have other religions and celebrate other holidays. I'm completely okay with it; good for them that they believe in something. But why does wishing someone a "Merry Christmas" saying that Christmas is the more superior religion (as a woman in the article claims)? I think that shouting "Merry Christmas" to one and all is more than just saying Christianity is better, or that Christmas is the best holiday. In fact, I think that saying "Merry Christmas" acknowledges and celebrates all those other holidays, too.

Ok, stay with me here as I explain my logic/reasoning behind my last statement. For many years I always pretended that the word Christmas came from Jesus Christ (obviously) and the Spanish word mas, meaning more. Although I know that this not where the word actually comes from, I liked thinking that it meant "more Christ." But, recently I started thinking that I had been imagining this new meaning of Christmas all wrong. Maybe, instead of it meaning "more Christ," it means "Christ and more."

I think that we should practice tolerance and understanding (which I'm sure Christ would more than approve of) for those of other faiths and religions and what they celebrate during this time of year. Yes, you could just say "Happy Holidays" and call it good and be safe. But, why not say Merry Christmas and know that it's not a way of forcing your religion on others, but as a way of showing others what you are celebrating and an encouragement for them to celebrate theirs.

If you celebrate Christmas, say it. Tell others to have a Merry Christmas too, because I know that I myself would not get offended or upset if someone shouted "Happy Hanukkah" to me. I'd even tell them to have a Merry Christmas too.

November 4th--E-day

The official election day is tomorrow, and if you were smart, like myself, you opted for early voting. I'm just thinking about how crazy it's going to be tomorrow at the polling stations (and on TV). So, I have many thoughts and opinions about this "historic" election. I've tried to think about how I could make them flow nicely together, and it hasn't worked. Therefore, I'm just going to make a sort of a list about what I think about the 2008 elections. They are kind of long, but are valid, humorous, entertaining, and interesting.

• Whenever I think about the presidential elections and the campaigns and their ads, I can't help but think about how they are so much like high school class elections. In high school, you have the two presidents who promise many things like, longer lunches, better cafeteria food, more vending machines, less homework, more free activities/events (and in elementary school, longer recess). Usually you went with the candidate that promised and gave away cooler stuff because you thought to yourself, "This guy could definitely make our senior year of high school great. Just think of all the free food we'll get." But then, in the end, no matter who won, the now high school class president still has to report to the principal who has the final say in all things. Perhaps, if you were lucky, you got one free lunch, or they added one more vending machine, or the option of pizza instead of chicken nuggets. But, it was still the same, and the president, despite all his promises the year before, could do nothing but plan the homecoming and prom, as usual. It's almost the same as our U.S. presidential elections, we vote for the candidate that makes the best promises, and promises to give us better things, but in the end, no matter who gets sworn in, he still has to report to the House and the Senate (thank goodness), who can reject his new ideas. They can promise us free lunch (or healthcare) all they want, but we'll see if it actually happens (and sadly, it rarely does).
• These elections were the best possible thing that could have happened to the media and especially Saturday Night Live. The show was going downhill ever since the better players decided to go out and get movie and TV gigs of their own. But, now that the elections are here, SNL has an infinite amount of news and people to parody and make fun of. What I found amusing was that most of their skits had exact lines from the debates and what not. The debate parodies and mock Palin interviews practically wrote themselves from the real things. It was hilarious how accurate SNL was. I would watch the debates and then watch the SNL skit based on it, and I got the same info, except SNL was shorter and more entertaining.
• Like I said earlier, I did the early voting thing (albeit the last day of early voting), and I'm slightly embarrassed to say that while standing in line, I honestly didn't know who I was voting for. I had a little debate in my head as I moved up in line. I know what you're thinking: "Mattie, how could this be a debate? Isn't the choice obvious?" Yes, I am conservative, but here's the thing, I really don't like either candidate. I couldn't decide. I had been putting it off, thinking that I still had time to choose, but then it all snuck up on me. The "elite media" clearly votes for Obama, and I have a feeling that no matter how I vote, Obama is going to be the next president (although he could not, who knows). I think McCain is smart and dedicated to this country, after all his slogan is "Country First." But, I worry about how old he is and if he would survive/be able to keep up with this ever changing country. This country is very much about technology and new things, and I think I would want a president who knew a little bit about those things and understood it. That's where his Vice President comes in, right? Someone that if need be could handle the technological aspects of things, someone young and smart... Sarah Palin? While sometimes I wonder that she was secretly picked by Lorne Michaels (he's the producer for SNL) because Tina Fey is so good, I don't know who convinced John McCain that she was the right choice for VP. If you know me well at all, you know I can't stand dumb people; I'm sorry, but I really think that Sarah Palin is dumb. Perhaps it's the fact that she was a "beauty queen," but more importantly, it's the fact that the woman cannot say a complete sentence and that she has to speak in broad cliches and generalizations. There was a Slate article in which they diagrammed her sentences, and boy did it look confusing. (If you enjoyed that, you should check out the one where they turned some of her quotes into poems.) I know it sounds like I'm doggin' on McCain-Palin, but I don't like Obama-Biden any better. I think many of the things Obama suggests are kind of unreasonable at this point, and I think Biden is a ... um... donkey (or the actual word I want to say). I worry for Obama and his safety as well, because I know there are crazy, psycho extremeists out there who might try something just because of his race. I don't agree with some of his political stances on certain issues, but that doesn't mean he's a bad person, or the wrong person for that matter. My younger, free-spirited side was pushing me to vote for Obama, while the mature, conservative side of me pushed for McCain. I really did stand in front of the electronic polling machine for like 2 minutes with my finger hovering over McCain and then Obama. I was thinking to myself how stupid this was, and why couldn't I decide? It was frustrating, I'll admit. But I did it, and no, I'm not telling you who I voted for (unless you really want to know and ask me).
• Which brings me to my next two thoughts, 1) once you vote for the president you still have to vote for all those other things and people, you know bonds (I'm in Texas, so don't tell me the one that has an 8 in it), senators, railroad comissioners.... I know who the senators are and voted accordingly, but all those judges and railroad comissioners, I have no idea who they are. Some made the choice easy, there was only one person to vote for. But I voted for a few democrats for some and a few republicans for others to, you know, mix it up.
• 2) If you were like me and couldn't choose who to vote for, please just pick who you think is the lesser of two evils. I always thought (and my mother agrees) that if you vote libertarian or write-in someone, it is like a waste of a vote. There's really no way that that person could win, so make your vote actually count and vote for one of the main guys. You'll feel better about yourself.
• I'm just glad Hillary didn't win the primaries... I don't think I could have taken the elections if she had.
• The electoral college is confusing, and I'm not sure I like it. I looked it up on Wikipedia, and I still don't think I understand it. So even though people are getting excited for election day and can't wait till the results are in, we still have to wait till after December 15th to really know who the president is. Dang the electoral college and those mysterious electors.
• Although we have to wait till December 15th to know who the next president is, I can't wait till November 4th is over. I'm tired of seeing and hearing all these stickin' ads everywhere. I'm sick of all the campaign buttons and banners that are plastered on people's lawns, cars, and facebook pages. I don't like the attack ads, and I think they are ridiculous. I can't wait to watch my television shows when they are regularly scheduled instead of having them bumped because of a debate, news broadcast, press conference, or half hour long reality-series style campain ad.

Those are my thoughts as we near the end of the campaign trail and elections. If you have not done so already and are registered to, go and vote tomorrow. Take a sick day, skip your classes, but go and vote. It'll be well worth it because after you vote for whoever (a main guy, though, remember?), you can take comfort in the fact that if your chosen candidate doesn't win, you can say, "I didn't vote for him," and move to Canada with a clear conscience.

A Recession? What?

Like I said in my previous post, I felt that my opinions on the current state of the economy needed to be voiced. I've read many news articles, seen many news broadcasts/ interviews, and watched many an episode of the Colbert Report. All of these sources tell me that Wall Street is in chaos and the stock markets continue to drop several points in one day. I really don't know how the system works, and I really don't know what it all means; however, I feel like we are making the problem worse by worrying. Many are even tossing around the word depression, which only frightens the stock brokers more, which in turn makes the DOW drop.

I know that it is bad; I'm not denying that. I'm not saying it's all in our head and if we only just believed, things would get better. But, I think that while it is bad, worrying about it is not going to do any good; it will just make us feel worse. I honestly believe it is (although it sounds extremely cliche) a sign of the times. I think that this recession/ mini-depression/ downward spiral (or whatever else you want to call it) was something that was bound to happen, and in many ways, needed to happen.

The way that the majority of our society was living needed to be called into question, and hopefully this turn in our economy was a wake-up call to those living way beyond their means. Excessiveness is not necessary and is harmful. No, you don't need that fourth house (or the second or third for that matter); no, you don't need that $500 purse/ pair of shoes (or any other accessory/piece of clothing ). While I feel sorry for those who have truly lost everything (jobs, house, savings), I do not feel sorry for those CEOs that have to "survive" in their mansion by selling their fifth car.

I guess I have mixed feelings about what has happened as a result of the downturn in our economy, but in a lot of ways I think it is good. It made people see that the way their life was going wasn't good for them in the long run, and that we can rise above this like we have before. I always think that looking on the bright side is always the best way to come out of these crises on top. What is the bright side? Well, yes the stock market is going down, but so are the gas prices! Just look at how much it it was a few days ago (it has gone down even more now-- $2.19).

Holiday Juxtaposition

I know that I seem to revisit this topic every year, but it's because it just seems so ridiculous to me. I don't know why I seem to be so passionate about this topic, I've tried to think about it, and I really can't come up with a good excuse. Are we really in that big of a hurry to get through the end of the year/ holidays? It's not even exciting any more because there's no time to get anxious because everything is all out already. It's almost tempting and taunting you because they put out all of this winter stuff, so you buy it out of excitment for the coming season. But you can't put it up because your house will look ridiculous because it's still autumn.

This year it seemed that this occurance of stores supplying holiday decorations months in advance seemed a great deal earlier than I remember it being. Now I know some stores have it all of the time. Like Hobby Lobby, for example, has had Christmas (along with Halloween, Fall, and Thanksgiving) stuff up since July. But I seem to ignore this because it's a craft store. I feel like they always have all their holiday stuff up all year cause people make holiday gifts way in advance.

Other stores, like Target for example, started putting up holiday stuff around September. I walked into Target towards the middle of September and this is what I saw:

While walking down the aisle, on one side is creepy skeletons and Halloween decor, and on the other is happy snowmen, reindeer, and Santas. I thought it was so humourous and ridiculous and absurd all at the same time that I had to take a picture with my cell phone. Don't you just love the juxtaposition of this:

with this:
So ridiculous... I'm sure it confuses many children. It is no fun anymore if it seems like all the holidays get all mushed together. They have to be distinct and separate. Now I'm not saying you can't sell Christmas stuff till the day after Thanksgiving, but can we at least have Halloween stuff out by itself for a while during October before we start pulling out all the Christmas stuff to sell? (Don't get me started on how alot of the fall/Thanksgiving decor was in the dollar section).

In other news, my first journal that I edited came in today, and my name is in print on the first page! I feel so famous and important. Not that lots of people read it, but it makes me feel special. Be on the look out for another post pretty soon because I feel like my opinions in regards to the economy/politics merits at least one post... perhaps two.

Those Were The Days

You know how there are those people that yearn to return to their golden hay days of high school? I know you know who I'm talking about. They continue to return to their high school to visit; they continue to talk about how they scored that winning touchdown to win the homecoming game/was student body president/took 1st in All-Region. Many of them still act like they are still in high school, or they talk about how bad they want to go back. They definitely attend every high school reunion (because they still live at home), but rarely do they amount to anything in life other than the manager of the local McDonald's.

I was never one of those people, at least not for high school. I mean, I enjoyed most of high school, but I was so ready to move on with my life and leave all the drama and people associated with it behind. I ran to BYU and never looked back. I became a different person. Granted not completely different, but significantly altered. I became more confident; I grew up; I became more extroverted and social; I became my own person that was independent, smart, and fun. I gained tons of friends (facebook and real life alike) and had fun and truly memorable times with those friends.

Now that I have graduated from BYU, moved back in with my family, have a full-time job and a smaller group of friends than I did at BYU, I almost feel like that one person that wants to relive their high school days, only for me it's my days at BYU. Many times, recently, I've thought to myself that I wish I was back with my friends in Provo, just barely getting by on 5 hours of sleep because we had stayed up too late making a music video, or just talking. I know that in the moment while at BYU, I was so excited to finally be done with school But now that I am out and no longer in that environment, I want so bad to go back. I miss my friends and the ability to just gather them up on a weekend to go do something random and fun.

It's not that I don't have friends here because I do. But, I feel like because we are all in different places in our lives, and living in different places throughout the metroplex, I can't just call them up to do something at the last minute. I have to plan ahead, and if I don't have plans for that weekend, I just chill with my family. Which is okay, but after a while I desperately need interaction with people my own age. I just keep thinking how great it would be to go back to Provo and be with my friends up there. But, unlike those who want to stay in high school, I know that if I did go back, it still wouldn't be the same. Everyone, including myself, has changed, and it's impossible for me to go back.

So, while I can still relive those good times in my memory, I've decided that I need to make do with my current situation and have a positive attitude towards it (because I can't change the situation, I can only change how I react to it). In the hopes of trying to make my situation better (or rather easier for me to deal with), I've made the goal that I will try to meet at least one new person every week.

Today I met Matt.

Perhaps I should include in my goal to find out more about them besides their name. I'll do better next week.

FIRE!

You know how when you yell, "Fire" in a crowded room/building, it's the fastest way to get everyone out? Well, what if you yell "Fire" and everyone just thinks you are trying to get them out or it's a drill; so instead of fleeing to the nearest exit, they begrudgingly trudge towards the door making sure they grabbed their cell phone and some snacks in case they are stuck outside a little while before they're able to come back in?

That's sort of what happened yesterday at work. Around 10:15 am or so, this sound went off (which obviously was the fire drill) that started off slow, almost like someone stepped on a cat. At first I thought it was my co-worker's cell phone (he has some pretty crazy ringtones), but then I realized it was the fire alarm. After having experienced so many fire alarms while I was an RA (since we had a faulty system), I was ready in like 30 seconds. I locked my computer grabbed my purse and cell phone and walked out.

My fellow workers (on my floor and the other companies on the other floors) weren't necessarily as quick to respond as I was. I'm on the 15th floor, in case you were wondering. As I head to the stairwell I hear grumblings about how they can't believe they have to walk down 15 flights, and how they chose today to wear heels. Once in the stairwell, many of the other people from the other floors had similar complaints.

We had several "traffic jams" if you will and we had to stop several times (I still don't know what the hold up was) while in the stairwell. I kid you not, it literally took us 15-20 min. just to get down all those floors and outside to the "safe spot." Many people said if it had been a more serious situation, we all would have died in the stairwell (this statement was later refuted, however, because all high-rise buildings are required to build stairwells so that in case of a fire, the occupants can survive for up to 2 hours).

Many people thought it was a drill. Still others, I'm sure, immediately (or perhaps it slowly dawned on them) thought it was a terrorist, since it was in fact the day before 9/11. You know what I was thinking? All I kept picturing was "The Office" episode where Ryan burns his pizza and so the fire alarm goes off and everyone has to evacuate. Then, Dwight, the couragous, do anything for Michael person that he is, runs back into the "burning" smoky building to retrieve Michael's cell phone, which incidentally is in Michael's pocket. I just kept replaying the funny parts of the episode in my head as I made my way down the stairs (that and how I needed to write a blog post on it).

While I do not want to make light of the fact that today is September 11th and that it seems crazy that it was seven years ago that it happened, I think that those that died that day would not want us to not live our life in fear. Our country has made great strides in our safety and security, and while we do and should remember the tragedy and the lives lost that day, we must also do all we can to live the lives that sadly they could not. Remember the events of 9/11 to improve tomorrow and make the future better so that it does not happen again.

For those that were curious, it was a real fire, but it was in the building/parking garage that is attached to ours (there's a little cafe over there). Not sure how big, but there was a fire engine. Oh, and by the time we got outside, the alarm turned off, and everyone was allowed back in. Yeah, I went out to lunch. (And may I just say, my legs are so sore from walking down all those stairs!)

Ridiculous Commercials

Have you ever watched a commercial and thought to yourself, that's ridiculous, impossible, or extremely unlikely? I'm sure many of you have thought this, and many times the advertisers want you to think this to demonstrate how awesome the product is and how much more you need it. But, have any of you, instead of instantly coveting said product (like we are supposed to), are put-off and don't want it?

Recently I saw the Subway commercial where you can win instantly if you peel something off your cup. Whenever someone wins (in the commercial), they throw up their cup, full of their soft drink of choice, and then drench their fellow diners in sticky, sugary, brown soda. Despite dripping in cola, the onlookers look at the winner in complete awe, happy for the winner and their newly awarded prize. The soggy people then continue talking and eating as if nothing happened.

What I thought at first was, if I had someone just spill soda all over me, I wouldn't be happy for them, I'd be angry at them. Depending on how many times it happened, I would have demanded they apologize and buy me a new outfit. Then, my next thought is, man, Subway drink lids must be really crappy. The point of a lid is to prevent spillage. If it can't even contain a beverage well enough to prevent a major accident with a gentle toss, what's the point?

Then I thought, well maybe those people don't have lids on their drinks. Who doesn't get a lid? It's like they are asking for their chilly beverage to spill everywhere. Why must others be victims to their stupidity?

Ok, so maybe I analyzed this commercial too much. But, I have thought about these kinds of things with other commercials too. Like the car commercial where the two cars (one driven by a man, the other driven by a woman) play Marco Polo around the city. Could you really do that? I thought the GPS was to determine where you are, not other cars. If it does that, I'm sure government officials and stalkers alike would be excited about that new feature. How are they communicating? I thought it was a pohne, but then it seems like it's another feature of the car. Now that's just creepy.

There are some pretty hilarious and ingenious advertisements out there, but then there are still others that afterwords you just can't believe you wasted two minutes of your life actually watching that stupid commercial. Anyone else feel this way? Any other commercials that spring to mind that make you ask, what was that company thinking; someone needs to get fired for this?

Still New?

I know earlier I wrote an entry about feeling new. I had to get used to a new job, twice, a new city, a new house, new friends, and a new ward. And while most of these aspects in my life have become second nature, or at least familiarity has set in, I still feel "new" in one part. My ward. It might be the fact that there are new people that visit and join the ward every week. It also could be that many go on vacation, several move out/ in, and now that we are nearing the end of the summer, many are returning to school (which means more people moving out and more moving in).

I have been in this ward for three months, but I still feel as if I just moved in. I mean, I've only been at my job for a month and a half, and the novelty has worn off already. So why not in this case? There are a few people I know and have become friends with, but compared to the friends I had up at BYU, my number of friends here are a pittance. At the beginning, I tried to put myself out there, and I tried to meet new people. But like I said in my previous post, it's exhausting to continually be out of your comfort zone. That's why it's a comfort zone; it's comfortable!

I haven't been comfortable for awhile. I still try to meet some new people, but I'm definitely slacking off. I go to church activities, and while the actual activity is fun, I come home and tell my mom, "Eh, it was a dance." I know that if I had been with fun people, friends, then I probably would have come home and said I had a blast. But that variable in the equation is lacking. (The equations being Friends+Activity=Fun)

I did make a good friend at church, and I had fun with her, but she just moved to Utah! I know making friends is hardwork, and for some it seems impossible. But as someone who has made friends with little or no effort, I'm tired of trying. I'm sick of feeling new; I just want to magically have a group of friends that I have fun with and enjoy being around like I did at BYU.

Why can't things be as easy as it was before? I want to feel comfortable and be myself without having to feel like I have to be on my best behavior with everyone I'm around. I know that usually my best behavior is pretty close to being myself, but I don't want to feel like I'm on my tiptoes hoping that my normal sarcastic self doesn't slip out and offend someone.

Well, you know what, I don't care anymore. I'm just going to be myself. It'll be easier for me, and if someone gets offended, so be it. The sooner I'll eliminate the people I have to be nice to and move on to others that could be my friend.

(Ok I realize that this sounds very mean, and I'm in somewhat of a bitter mood right now after having gone to several activities that were partly a waste of my time. I won't be mean to anyone [at least not on purpose], but it'll save me some effort and time by realizing that someone I'm trying to befriend is really someone who will not be my friend. And in all seriousness, they will indeed be missing out, not only on some good times, but on having a friend that is fun, funny, and will always be there for you even when the times aren't so good.)

Happy "Lunaversary"

So, as of July 23rd (2 days ago), I have been working at my job for one month. One of my co-workers who got hired on the same day, made up the term "lunaversary" in honor of it being one month since our hire date. I don't know where he came up with that, but I'm using it anyway. Now, the question is, how great has that one month been?

Well, I can say that having worked there for one month, I now get all my benefits (health, 401K, etc.), which is pretty exciting. After one month, I think, while I'm still learning because I definitely don't know all there is to know, I know enough to keep myself busy through the workday without having to go run to my boss to ask a question. That isn't to say that I don't still have questions, because rest-assured I most certainly do, but I'm trying to figure some stuff out on my own so I don't look completely incompetent.

I'm excited to get September's journals published for two reasons. One, my name will be in it since I edited several of the articles. And two, once those journals are done, I can start October's journals, and this time I will actually know what is going on since I will be the one who started it.

Since I got hired half-way during the process of publication, my boss just gave me random articles from different journals to edit. So I didn't know what was going on with the journal as a whole or if certain things that were supposed to have been taken care of from the very beginning had actually been taken care of. (I have been told many a time by my boss that my "predecessor" did not do a very good job and basically didn't work, so I have to pick up and clean up the crap she left behind. This means these "certain things" hadn't been taken care of.)

Because of this previous employee, many things have been pushed back, or forgotten about, and so I continually have to go to my boss to see the status of things. But, once I start and finish editing one specific journal, for I am to be in charge of just one journal and then help others edit as needs be, things will be fantastic (because I'll actually will know what's going on since I started it).

I have been to a few meetings, some training sessions, and yesterday I went to our first department activity. (It was a dessert bake-off, and I'm proud to say that I tied for second.) I have gotten to know a few people, although most of the people I work with tend to keep to themselves. I can say that now that I've worked in an office for a period of time, the jokes in Dilbert, and on The Office make so much more sense and are even more hilarious since I know exactly what they mean.

But yes, working is good; I'm still getting used to the whole "adult, real-world, full-time" job, but so far things are good. Of course, it only has been a month, let's see what I say a few months, a year from now...

On the homefront, I'm still living at home with my family. I'm going to the single's ward still trying to make friends since many of the ones I have made are moving/leaving since they were only here for the summer. Also, it probably won't be for another year or so, but I'm going to get a master's degree.

My company has tuition reimbursement, and I really feel like getting a master's is something I need to do. I'm going to try to do it online since that will be the easiest for my current situation what with a job and everything. I want to get a degree in journalism/ mass media communications (which usually end up being the same thing). I did want to go for this one radio, television, and film one that they had at UNT, but I don't think it's exactly what I'm looking for, and I'm not sure it has enough relevance to my job that my boss would approve it.

Like I said, it probably won't be for another year. I still have to take the GRE (and whatever other tests they require), find a school (although I have found a couple), and apply. And it'd probably be good if I worked for my company longer than a month to start asking them for money to pay for a degree that I want to get because it will help me get a different job.

I'm a Copycat

So, I realize I'm copying a very good friend of mine, but I was bored. Real post soon to come.

To make your own mosaic-
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page, pick an image.

3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

My answers to the questions:

1. What is your first name? Mattie (apparently this doll is named Mattie, this search also brought up a lot of pictures of dogs... geez thanks)

2. What is your favorite food? Italian (this was the only one of actual food)

3. What high school did you go to? Plano East Senior High (and yes, that is an actual picture of my school)

4. What is your favorite color? Purple

5. Who is your celebrity crush? Jason Bateman (so cute and funny)

6. Favorite drink? Dr. Pepper

7. Dream vacation? London

8. Favorite dessert? Chocolate chip cookies

9. What you want to be when you grow up? A film critic
10. What do you love most in life? Family and friends

11. One Word to describe you. Awesome

12. Your flickr name. I don't think I have an account, but I searched for the name I would use if I had one, met0012, and this was the only picture that came up.

Just Another Day...

So, today is my birthday. I am now 22. I could think about all the things I've accomplished in my life so far and celebrate with others that hopefully there will be many other great things to come. In fact, let's do that now, shall we? I've graduated high school. I've graduated college with a BA in English, minor in editing. I have a full time job as an assistant editor. And yes, I do indeed have many more amazing things to achieve in my life.

The sad thing is though, it feels like just another day. It's sad to think that at 22 I have already reached the point of my birthdays where it just feels like another day. Another day that happens to be the start and ending of another yearly cycle of my life. I told a few of my coworkers yesterday that it felt like just another day, and one was completely shocked and said I was too young to feel that way. I believe she's 26 or so, but she tried to convince me that magical, special things would happen on my birthday...

I slept in, not as late as I wanted, but later than normal. I awoke to my brother stealing my dry-erase board, and when I caught him, he said it was going to be a birthday surprise. "What? You're going to give me my own dry-erase board back?" I asked. No, he was not; he was going to write a note. So, I let him take it. I got in the shower, and by the time I was ready, my brother was done with his sign. My little sister had also done her part by putting a heart and her own name on my door (to let me know she made it) out of pipe cleaners, and a Happy Birthday banner above it (left over from her own birthday).

My family went to lunch at Rockfish Grill, in which I got a free dessert (everyone had a piece, while the older younger brother took about half of it). I wasn't in a very good mood though because I had a headache. After some debate we went and saw Get Smart, my brother leaving before then because he had to go to work. The movie was ok, not as funny as I thought it would be, but still okay. We came home, and I took 3 Advil and a short nap. I ate my left-overs from lunch and talked to a few friends that called.

During my nap, my dad had gone to the store to buy a cookie cake. So, once my brother got home from work, they sang happy birthday and I blew out a question mark candle. I then opened my 1 gift, which I knew what it was, that my two youngest siblings wrapped by piecing 2 different kinds of wrapping paper together to cover it. (It was an air filter for work.) After that, I got on the computer and watched some TV. Then my mom and brother went to Target and brought me back some random magnets for my cubicle (another birthday gift).

That's it. Relaxing, kind of fun, but I wouldn't call it magical... maybe next year.

Nature's Fireworks

In light of Independence Day, the current city where I live, Allen, holds a celebration in which they set off fireworks (among other activities) the week before the Fourth of July. My family is not big on fighting crowds in order to see something we could see just as well from our front yard. So, that's what we did. We heard the familiar booms from the fireworks going off and decided to venture outside to make sure that we really could see it from our yard. However, Mother Nature decided to compete today with her own fireworks show.


Off in the distance (at least at first anyway) lightning lit up the night sky. Soon the lightning got closer, but in the brieft moment the fireworks paled in comparison to the awesomeness of Mother Nature. In case you were wondering, we could see the city fireworks, barely. There was one house in the way, so we could see the higher fireworks just above their roof. A flag was also in our way, but I didn't mind too much since it was in fact an American flag. Rather poetic, yes?

Anyway, it was a sight to see; the Stars and Stripes waving in front of a backdrop of bright green, red, purple, and blue fireworks, and just to the right Mother Nature added to the light show with a little more fire power. If only I had remembered to bring out my camera. My mom and I stayed a little longer after the city fireworks ended since you know there was still a show. I'm sure that ended with a great finale just like the other fireworks, but the show was getting a little too close for comfort to stick around... didn't want to get stuck in traffic... or get killed.

My First Real Job

Yes, after feeling lost, confused, and without direction, I have found a real world job, and as a bonus it's actually a job that has something to do with my degree. Granted, it's not the most glamorous or exciting of occupations, but I'm trying to look on the bright side of things, ok. Hmmm, ok, I'll tell you what the job is before I describe the positives because I know that you are just in complete wonder as to what my job entails.

I am the assistant editor, in which I do technical editing, for the Society of Petroleum Engineers. I will edit technical papers that will be published in 5 different journals for the engineers of SPE.

Ok, go ahead and laugh, but once you see the positives you'll stop laughing.

1) It's a real world job
2) meaning I get a salary
3) and benefits.
4) My title is assistant editor, and it sounds very official.
5) I will get more real world editing experience
6) speaking of which, I'm actually doing a job that applies to my degree.
7) This job also has a program that has tuition reimbursement
8) which means I can get a master's while I'm working.

Ok, that's all of the positives I can think of at the moment, but that's a pretty good list for now. No, this isn't something I want to be doing for the rest of my life, but its a good job to start off with. I mean it's an actual job; how awesome is that? Look how cool my letterhead/ email signatures will be:

Mattie E. Tanner
Assistant Editor
Society of Petroleum Engineers

WOW. Awesome.

Being New

It's always hard to be the new person no matter your type of personality; some are just better at pretending they're not scared than others. Now, those that know me might question the fact that I don't like being the new person and that I am rather shy around people I don't know. I'm sorry to tell you, but I am one of those people that can pretend very well. With my friends, I am very outgoing and loud, but when I am with strangers, I keep to myself, sit in the corner, and don't talk to anyone. Shocking, I know, but it's true. I really, really have to try to put myself out there, and I have to force myself to talk to others. I think maybe it's the fact that I feel like I'm being judged or something; I don't know, I haven't quite figured this out about myself.

Well after returning home after graduating, I have had to force myself quite a bit because I have been thrust into many new and different situations. I told myself that I had to find some friends before my birthday so I could actually do something for my birthday--a party of sorts. So, in order to accomplish this goal, I told myself, I had to really pretend to not be scared and meet as many people as I can. What new situations was I thrust into, you might ask? Well, when I came home, my family had moved to a new house, so I have to get used to a new city. I had to familiarize myself with the people in my family's ward since I didn't know who they were talking about anymore. I acquired a part time job at Bath and Body Works in which I have to meet all my co-workers, and most importantly, I am attending the Singles' Ward in Dallas.

Ahh the Single's Ward. I have, in my short life, attended a total of 6 singles wards (7 if you count the present one). I have definitely had experience, but this singles ward is different. All of the ones I attended previously were student wards, so we all had one more thing in common on top of the fact that we were all single and lived in the same place; we all attended a university in the area. Here, the only thing in common we have is the fact that right now, in this point in time, we are living in the Dallas area and are currently unmarried. Some people here are attending college, some haven't quite started college yet, some have already graduated, some have full-time jobs, some are only here for the summer, and still others are visiting.

There are a few faces that seem familiar to me because I have seen them at church; however, there are still others that I see once and then never see again. With that being the case, it's hard to put yourself out there every week; I mean, it's exhausting! So, what's the status so far? Do I have enough friends to make a party? Hmmm not quite, but I have gained a few more facebook friends... a great start in my opinion for a facebook event.

Accident

I hit a bird today. A total and complete accident. However, being the budding writer that I am, I tend to look at things from other perspectives. I'm sure from the bird's perspective, it wasn't an accident.

I'm not even sure what kind of bird it was. I'm hoping that it was a pigeon because we have enough of those around that at least by human standards it won't be missed. Although, from the bird's perspective, it will be. I'm sad to say that I'm pretty sure I saw two birds; it had a buddy.

I was driving down the street, and these two birds (I'm positive I only hit one) flew directly into my car (the bumper). Maybe they were fighting and not paying attention? I thought to myself, don't birds usually fly away when a car comes? I heard a thud, and when I looked in the rearview mirror, I just saw tons of feathers blowing away. Perhaps I only knocked it unconscious or stunned it; then of course, maybe it's lying there on the side of the street in a crumpled heap dead with no chance of revival. I didn't have the heart to stop and look (I did slow down though), and I sure as heck wasn't going to touch it let alone provide CPR.

I pulled into my driveway and gave my bumper a once over, and there was no incriminating evidence. I felt slightly sad and guilty (probably why I'm posting this), but then I went back to more important things like eating dinner (yeah, it was chicken). I got really sad on the way home when I kept thinking about the bird's perspective. Would the other one go get help? Would he stay with him, keep him comfort? Would there be a funeral? I'm sure the other one kept asking himself why they flew in front of the car in the first place. I bet he was feeling guilty too.

I hit a bird today; a total accident. Whether it was truly dead or not, I did have a small moment of silence and imagined a funeral for it, just in case.

A Month After Graduation--Letter to a Friend

This is an email I sent to my friend Mary about my thoughts and feelings about having been graduated for a month now. It is kind of long and kind of like a rant, just to be forewarned.

Ugh... Mary, I feel lost. I only hang out with my family, and haven't made any friends in the singles ward yet (course I've only been once, so that's probably my fault). I am working at Bath and Body Works, so I mean it is a job, but I know I'm supposed to be looking for a real job, a career you know. I don't know I'm feeling kind of depressed.... no not depressed, melancholy if you will. I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't know when I'm going to figure it out. I want it to be soon, but I feel like I am in liminal space with no knowledge of what is to come.

I know what you're going to tell me; Mattie, go pray about it, read the scriptures. But see that's just it, I have, and I don't feel like I've gotten any answers. Don't worry, it's not like because of this I don't believe in the Church and I've lost my testimony because that's not it. I guess this is a trial of sorts, or maybe I'm supposed to do so many steps on my own before I get some light to be shed on some answers. I just don't know what steps!

It's been a month now that I've graduated, and the only thing I have to show for it is an English degree (which I've yet to receive in the mail) in which I have a part-time job at Bath and Body Works which has nothing to do with my major. I am living at home with my family which is ok for now, but I really don't want this to be too permanent of a residence. I only have two friends here, both of which are from high school (which means we aren't that close any more) and are non-members (which means we're really not that close anymore). One works at Starbucks, has been living at home with his family the whole time I've been at BYU and hasn't even gotten an Associate's degree yet. The other has also graduated, is going to be working at a camp all summer, and come August/September is going to Maine (yeah, that's right Maine) to go to graduate school so she can get her physical therapy doctorate/license.

I stay up till 2, 3, 4 in the morning most nights which in turn means I sleep in till 1, 1:30, 2 in the afternoon, unless of course I have work--the only thing I have that will force me to get up before the day is almost over. I feel like a total bum, I haven't even read any books! I have The Host sitting on my bedside table, and I have yet to crack it open and read it because I'm so freaking lazy! I'm in a rut, and I don't know how to get out of it, and the scary thing is, I'm not sure I want to get out of it. I mean, once I start thinking about it, I mean really thinking about it, I realize that this is not how the rest of my life is going to be, and I don't want it to be. But then I think about how easy I have it, I have a roof over my head, a farely decent job where I get a discount and get to test all different kinds of lotions and lip gloss (which also makes me smell like 20 different things by the time I get home), a family that loves me and are feeding me.

It's almost like I'm on vacation, except now, it's been a month, the longest time I've been at home since I came home for summer after my freshman year in college. And that's the problem, that's what I'm realizing. It's not a vacation, it's not like I'm going to go back to school soon, so I'm going to live the good life while I can. Soon, my parents aren't going to like the fact that I sleep in everyday (which I'm sure they're starting to get annoyed with already), and they are going to bug me about how I need to do something with my life besides work at Bath and Body Works (which they often confuse with Bed Bath and Beyond). They're going to kick me out and say, "You're on your own, come visit us once you have a job."

Ok, so I'm being a little dramatic, and I doubt it'll go that far. I don't see my parents ever kicking me out because I don't see myself ever getting to the point where I'm living at home not doing anything with my life. But, that's what I think of whenever I start imagining still living with my family by the end of this year. I don't know what to do though, I mean I can keep looking, applying for jobs, and sending out resumes but if they aren't going to get me a job, a real job, what am I going to do?

I think alot of my feeling this way has to do with the fact that I really haven't hung out with anyone my age in awhile. I miss my friends, quite frankly, and sometimes, ok alot of times, I wish I was back in Utah. I didn't think I'd ever say that, but I really had fun in Provo. Sometimes I think I should have stayed in Provo, but then I think that I would have felt the same way I'm feeling now, only with Melissa and Jill instead of my family. This is just a stage in my life that I was going to have to face, that I am facing, no matter where I ended up living. I just wish that I could get through this stage already and be at a different stage.... like getting married.

I Like the Way I Am

Note: This is a little personal and somewhat religious, just to warn you.

I want to be good, but I can't change who I am. Please tell me that I don't have to be a good little Molly Mormon in order to do what's right. I can't change my personality; I like who I am. I like that I am funny, and occasionally sarcastic. I think as long as I know I am joking and the people around me know that, I don't think I'm hurting anyone. I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings, and when I'm being sarcastic that is not my ultimate goal. Please tell me that I don't have to become a sterotypical "Utah" Mormon that prays about every single thing, who is shy and quiet and subservient. I don't want to change into that. I know there are plenty of things I have done wrong that I'm sure I need to repent for. But I hope that it won't mean I have to completely change who I am. I like my independence, my ability to find humor in almost anything, my ability to tell people exactly what I think and how I feel.

I would think that the Lord would not want us to be the same, that He wouldn't want us all to be cookie-cutter Mormons that all look and act the same. I would think that the Lord appreciates those who have humor; I would think that He admires those who can be independent and not have to rely completely on others to survive; I would think that the Lord appreciates those that don't sugar-coat things because isn't that in a way lying? Wouldn't it be better to tell someone the truth so they could become better instead of falsly thinking they are something that they are not. Not that the ultra-Mormon people are horrible; we need people like them in the world (Church) too. I'm just saying that I don't think its possible, necessary or even wanted to have everyone like that.

We are all different, and I know that we are that way on purpose. I think that the Lord wants us to change to become better, but not change to become different than who we were meant to be. I know that we need to change our actions not our personality. We all have different personalities, and we were made that way for a reason. If we were all the same it would be boring and would even lead to mindlessness which in my mind is a lot like Satan's plan. We need to embrace who we are and realize that while there are some things we should change to make ourselves better people, there are things that are inherently who we are that if we should change them we loose ourselves, our identity. Once we loose or change our original personality that God has created, in a way we are discarding this gift from the Lord and essentially telling Him that we don't like how He has made us because we aren't like all those other "good little Mormons." Embrace who you are and your personality because it is a gift and in the end it is all we will have.

Hello! Good Morning! The Real World is Calling!

I didn't think it would come so soon. I thought I still had some time left. I thought I could put it off for just a little while longer. You know hit the snooze button a couple times before I had to face the real world, beyond college. Whenever I thought about my future, my life once I graduated, it seemed so far away. It felt as if that day (when I had to survive in the real world) would never come. Last semester that fog started to lift and my future seemed to be a lot closer to my present than I had originally thought it was. Despite the real world being so close and near my grasp, I was distracted by the fact that I was going to be graduating. I only had one more semester until I was finally done with school. I was looking to the future, but not very far.

I knew I needed to start thinking about what I was doing after I graduated. I knew I needed to find a job; was I going to move back home for a while, or only a little bit? I knew I needed to start applying for jobs, but I thought I had time, a month or so at least. Then it happened. The real world called to say I no longer had the time I thought I did. That month I had, or thought I had, was over, and it was beginning to be crunch time. What was this wake-up call? Ironically enough, it was an actual phone call.

Right before my last class of the day started on Friday, I got a call from a number I didn't know. Unfortunately, I was in a basement, so the call was dropped before I could figure out who it was. Then my class started; so I couldn't call the person back. So, after I get out of my class, I call the number back to figure out who it is. Turns out he's a recruiter for an insurance type company located in Dallas, and he found my resume on the BYU erecruiting website. He wanted me to come to a lecture the CEO of the company was giving at BYU, and then come to their booth at the Career Fair so that he could meet me. I gave him my email so he could send me more information on the job.

Oh, funny side note: He thought I had hung up on him when it actually just dropped the call, so he deleted my information and resume from their database. Kind of a quick jump to a conclusion don't you think?

I immediately called my dad to tell him I think I just got offered a job. I was shocked and excited at first, but then I realized yeah, it's a job, but not one I want to do. My dad basically said that a job's a job and that it could be a backup plan. "If you're starving on the streets, a job is a job," says my dad. "You're going to put me out on the streets and let me starve?" I reply. "No. I'm just saying...," my dad sheepishly answers.

Well after that uplifting conversation with my father, the full effect of the real world's call finally hit me. If I want to get a job in something I actually want to do, something I would enjoy doing (because I can tell you right now that insurance job is something I do not want to do. I'm sorry; it does not sound all that appealing to me) for the rest of my life, I need to start now because soon, I won't have any time left. As much as I wanted to put off the fact that I would soon be thrust into the real world, the time has come. I think I'll be okay, I'm not too worried about finding a job (I mean that insurance company is just begging me to come). What I am worried about is finding a career or a job that can lead me to the career that I want.

I've got lots to worry about this semester actually: finding a job, keeping up with my school work, getting things ready for graduation, and later on in the semester packing my things. Even though I have these worries, and I have a lot of things I have to think about, I still am going to try to find a balance and still have fun. It's my last semester, and I want it to be one I will remember. I want to have fun and be with my friends. The real world may be calling, but I have call waiting.

The Unattainable

Side note: This one's long and I apologize. Also, I apologize for not updating in a while.... ummm... deal with it.

Why do I always like guys that are completely unavailable and unattainable? I always get a crush on a guy who ends up getting into a relationship with someone else, or is already in one, or they are completely out of my league. Eithere there is no possible way they could like me, or they are someone that will never know I even exist, like someone famous. For the longest time (in middle school only) I was in love with Leonardo DiCaprio (I mean back then, who wasn't?), believe me I have now seen the error of my ways. All I have to say is it was when Titanic was hugely popular and everyone loved it; that is until no one's heart wanted to go on any longer.

But, since middle school, I've tried to realize that those famous people are not worth the time and energy that I have expended by liking them. Now, this includes "famous" people that are just famous on my college campus. Guys in Divine Comedy and Vocal Point that I know I will never meet and talk to even though we go to the same school. (I just admire them and their talent from afar.)

Despite making this realization, I still like guys that I know, have met, and talked with, but they will not like me though. Now I'm not trying to be all "woe is me," drowning myself in self-pity; I'm trying to figure out why I like this type of guy. Do I like being hurt when I finally realize nothing will happen? No, I don't think I like feeling that way, and I think deep down I know it will happen so I don't throw myself into it as much (although it may appear to some that I have).

No, I think I like unavailable guys because its safe. I can feel like a normal girl who likes a boy, and I can have something to talk about with my friends. But, no matter how much I dream up situations where we casually run into each other, I know that it won't happen, and I won't truly deeply fall in love so I won't truly, deeply get hurt when the real relationship gets torn apart.

I think I'm afraid, maybe subconsciously more than consciously, of what a real relationship consists of and how I could get hurt. I think it's my way of protecting myself against the unknown. Now, you're probably wondering what prompted such a post. Well, I had a friend my freshman year (yes, a guy) that went on a mission for two years. I liked him right before he left, and honestly he was the only guy from my freshman ward that I wrote to while they were on their mission. I started thinking that maybe when he came home we could go on a date, and perhaps something would come from it.

I think because he was on another continent made it easier so that I could like him (you know that whole unavailable, unattainable thing). Well, he's home now, and I talked to him online a couple times (and it was awkward, yes even online). But I imagined that maybe it was because he had recently returned home, and when he came back to BYU for the winter he would be back to normal. I then noticed just recently (a couple months after the awkward online conversation) that his facebook and changed to reveal that he was in a relationship. By this point I decided I was over him, that nothing was going to happen, so it didn't matter to me that he was in a relationship (I was liking a different seemingly unattainable guy in my current ward).

Then, just yesterday a girl from my freshman floor randomly started messaging me online. I haven't talked to her in a while, like almost a couple years (maybe a year and a half) ago. We talked about the usual--school, what we are doing in/with our lives after school, when we're graduating. She asked me if anything exciting has happened in my life. Of course, nothing has. I asked her the same, and she preceded to tell me about how she got her mission call, but she is putting it off for four months because of a boy.

After some questioning, she told me she was dating this same guy I had previously discovered was in a relationship. She told me things were pretty serious and that she had flown to his house in Washington last weekend. She also told me she had been engaged last summer and had broken it off with this guy who was her missionary that she had when we were freshmen. After some random topics--she wanted me to recommend some movies--we both said goodbye.

What I felt, after she told me of her relationship, was oddly something very similar to jealousy. I didn't want to talk to her anymore; I didn't want her to tell me how well their relationship was going. Why was I feeling this way? I had known he was in a relationship; I didn't care, right? Why was I caring now?? I guess for some reason I still hoped that something might happen between us. I knew that they liked each other freshman year, and now that I knew it was her he was dating, I lost all hope. I then remembered that even though he would write me a birthday letter, he would still ask me about the other girls on my floor that I knew he liked before he left on his mission.

My dream--my protection of liking someone unattainable--was shattered, and it was brought very close to home. (Side note, most recent thought while typing this: I can't explain it, but it's different when you find out the guy you sort of liked is dating a random girl you don't know rather than a girl you actually do know. Before, I knew he was in a relationship, but I assumed it was some random girl from home, and I didn't care. I guess I thought to myself, well I'm sure I'm better in some way than this other girl. But, when I knew the girl he was dating, I knew how awesome she is compared to me and knew I could never compete. The fact I know her makes me feel even more insignificant.)

I don't know why her telling me bothered me so much. Maybe its because, finally, I realized how stupid, pathetic, and idiotic these crushes were. What is wrong with finding someone that I could actually really like rather than someone I only romanticize and love from a distance. Yeah, I could get hurt, and I probably would, but it would help me grow and become a better person.

I don't know when it will happen, but I'm ready to like someone real. Not a Prince Charming, but a regular normal guy with all of his faults that likes me for me, and I like him for him. Which brings me to my most recent crush/liking... That guy in my ward that I mentioned... not as unattainable as I thought...there are some real possibilities. Of course, nothing could happen, and if so, that's okay. I can handle it... I think.

It's about time...

So, every summer I try to make a list of things that I want to accomplish by the end of the summer. I figure, I'm just working so I should have time to do these things. And every summer, I always end up doing maybe one or two things on my list or starting them and never finishing them. Like last summer. I signed up for an Independent Study class and told myself that I would finish it last summer. Well, last summer came and went, and pretty sure I had only gotten to lesson 6, and school was starting. I convinced myself that I had till the next summer and had plenty of time, but that was not true. It was coming down to the wire, and so I signed up for an extension. So what was on my list this summer? Finish that dang Independent Study Class. I am happy to report, that even though it was down to the wire and I was cutting it close, I finished my class 2 days before the deadline! I then took my final (which I had 30 days to take) and then I was done. I was so proud of myself, I had actually finished the class! To top it all off, I got an A! I also finished 3 or 4 other things that were on my list, and I am proud to say that finally, I completed almost all of my list. I think this is the first summer in a long while when that has happened. Go me!

In other news, I am going back home to Texas tomorrow, and I will be home for a week. It's been since Christmas since I've seen my family so I am glad that I will see them. So, life is going pretty well and I am glad because then school starts...

My Brush With the Law

Note: I'm telling this story to Mary as I'm typing it. Before I even start she laughs at my title and says that I have a flare for the dramatic. (Mary's comments are pink, mine are purple)

So, I'm coming home from my friend's house last night around 12:30 at night (my house?), and, quite frankly, I just wanted to get home because I had work in 5 hours (Mary says it's 6 1/2... technicalities.) Me, being the slightly lethargic person that I was, I was driving and not really paying attention to my speed. But, it's not like I was actually excessively speeding. I mean I wasn't going 60. But, on campus the speed limit is 30 ... down a hill. So, of course you're going to go faster, right? I just decided not to use my brakes. (And keep my foot on the accelerator. But I didn't.)

So, I go down the hill, minding my own business, rocking out to Avril Lavigne, and I turn the corner to go down the street to my house. I'm about to turn in to my apartment complex when I notice there are very bright, flashing cop lights behind me. So, my first thought is, is he pulling me over? Then, since he turns in behind me, I figure, yes it is me. I can't for the life of me figure out what I did, unless you're not allowed to turn right on a red, which I'm pretty sure you can.

So, I'm about 10 feet away from a parking spot in my complex, and the cop after a bit finally walks up to my car. He informs me that the reason he pulled me over was that I was going 40 when the limit on campus is 30. I acknowledge that indeed the limit is 30, and I didn't realize that I was going that fast. He asks for my license and registration, and I, never having been pulled over before (You've never been pulled over before?), have no idea what my registration looks like. So, I pull out what is more than likely it, and it is and he takes my registration and license back to his car.

He sits in his car, looking up who knows what, (like all my BYU parking tickets) (How many parking tickets do you have?) for what seemed forever. More than likely it was probably about 10 minutes (whatever 5 minutes and I bet he let you off on a warning because you weren't going that fast you're not supposed to guess yet). Mean time I'm sitting in my car wondering, how much it's going to cost, what my mom's going to say when I tell her and how embarrassed I am sitting in the parking lot of my apartment complex as people walk/ drive by. After all these questions plagued my mind (I would have been crying. I was crying. But that makes you sound like you're mad), my emotions could no longer take it. I started crying.

By the time the cop came back to my window I was basically balling (ahhh sad, I probably wouldn't have actually been crying). I had my head on the steering wheel crying. The cop came over (Mary proceeded to say "so sad" throughout the rest of this story), asked me where my local address here was (because I had a Texas license and registration) (right there) and I pointed to my apartment 20 feet away and said right over there. I gave him my actual address and he said, "Well, this time I'm just going to give you a warning. But, you really need to be careful and more aware because we have little kids that run around and play, and you need to be aware." (Little kids!? At 12:30!? Across the street from a college campus!? Dumb, bored policeman!?)

I tell him thank you and he walks away. I pull in to the parking spot, and walk sadly, dejectedly (melodramatically) to my apartment. I'm greeted by my roommate, and we talk for a bit and of course I tell her of my recent experience. In which she replies, "That was you!?" (THE END)

(You can't end it like that. It needs closure. Closure is in the line before. That's not closure if you add another sentence.)

An eye-opening experience

Well, I figured it's been well since before Thanksgiving and I should update this thing soon. (Now that there's 2 more days till Christmas). I had a very eye-opening experience. Usually when it comes to flying home I'm not too worried about not getting there, until this time. The day before I was supposed to leave for home, my dad tells me that the Denver airport is shut down because of a huge snow storm. And of course my flight has a layover in Denver before it gets to Dallas. I hope that by the time my flight is the next day it will be ok, and I'll get to go home anyway. That evening, however, I learn that the airport will not reopen till after my flight so both my flights were cancelled. I was on hold with United and Travelocity forever, and my parents tried too. This was the point that I started to worry, well more than worry freak out. In fact, I started to cry. For the first time in my life, I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to make it home in time for Christmas. I then of course went through all the worse-case scenarios in my head. I would be stuck in Provo and have to either spend Christmas alone in my apartment, or worse with my Aunt and Uncle that live in Provo. It's awkward enough going over to their house for Sunday dinner, how was I going to survive Christmas! But, this fear of not being home in time for Christmas really helped me see how important family is at Christmas time, and really all the time. I know it's fun to be out on your own and experience things independently, but there are times, especially around the holidays that family helps make things better. So what if your family is crazy like on Christmas Vacation, deep down (maybe deeper for some) it's that crazyness that makes fond memories for years and years to come. Granted the thought I might not go home for Christmas didn't last too long, it still made me have a greater understanding and appreciation of my family. I am going home, for those that were wondering, it's not till Christmas Eve, but at least I'll be home for Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Where are you Thanksgiving? (Revisited)

So, I had just finished a rocking good Halloween time, and reunited with some old friends. After I had taken them home, I turned on my radio. It was midnight (so officially November 1st) and what do I hear playing on the station??? Christmas music!!!!!! What???? Are you kidding me??? Oh, and I definitely exclaimed this out loud in my car because I was in complete and utter shock. We haven't even finished off the halloween candy or taken our costumes off and we are already expected to start thinking of Christmas. Hello! We still have another holiday (and month for that matter) before Christmas! I know I discussed this on my xanga last year, but I decided it was time to revisit the article I wrote. Why? Because quite frankly I am mad. I enjoy Thanksgiving and it gets pushed aside like a scrauny kid waiting for his turn on the slide. Commercialism has turned one of my favorite holidays (and that is Christmas) into something that it should have never become: all about presents, and gifts, and money. It's about Christ's birth and celebrating that fact. Thanksgiving gets the short straw, and the raw end of the deal by many because, there is no buying of gifts or money to be had except for maybe the grocery stores. It's sad. Anyway, here's the "article" I wrote last year:

Where are you Thanksgiving?

Now that Halloween has come and gone, and we all have enough candy to last us for quite some time, what’s the next major holiday? I would assume it would be Thanksgiving, right? I was surprised to walk into the BYU Bookstore to find that my suspicion was wrong. Everywhere I looked there was garland with red and green bows, wreaths, and other Christmas merchandise. Even one of the radio stations has already begun to play Christmas music 24/7. What ever happened to Thanksgiving? I do feel very sorry for this much overlooked and sometimes forgotten holiday. When even searching on the internet, I found there were 49,808,107 more matches for Christmas than for Thanksgiving. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas and all that comes with it as much as the next guy, but it seems like Thanksgiving really doesn’t matter. It just gets lumped in with the “Holiday Season,” and we go from Halloween to Christmas or the “holidays.” I asked a fellow peer, Brittany Bowcutt, what Thanksgiving meant to her, and her reply was, “I get a lot of food.” Many other people when asked the same question respond similarly. Some reply food, football, turkey, sleeping, no school etc. Few, if any, answer being grateful, or about the background of this holiday. Thanksgiving is an integral part of the history of the United States. In 1621, the Pilgrim’s that had settled in the New World had had a successful, wonderful harvest after a very hard year. They had made peace with the Indians nearby, and they had enough food to last them through the harsh winter. This feast of harvest and of thanks became a tradition, and in 1863 Abraham Lincoln made it official and declared this day of Thanksgiving a national holiday. I really do enjoy Thanksgiving, and it is not just because of the food or the parades. Having a day specifically set aside to think about and truly ponder everything in this world that we are grateful for is wonderful. How often do we think of all the things that have blessed our lives? I know I have thousands of things I should be grateful for, and I am grateful that I have Thanksgiving to think of all them.

There is still goodness in this world.

I know it's been awhile, but I wanted to update on something that happened to me a while ago that reaffirmed to me that there are still good people without an angle. I was parking my car, parallel parking mind you, and I had found a spot, but it was rather tight. So I was trying to manuever my car so it would fit, and a very nice guy was walking by. He stopped and helped me back up telling me when to stop etc. Then when I was in my spot I waved, he waved and then he continued onto class. I don't know who he was (although I wish I did because he was also kind of cute as well as helpful), but whoever he was I want to thank him for helping my jaded view of life become a little less so. If you ever feel like the state of the world is terrible and you feel like there is nothing that is possibly good here, one thing that makes me think this is not so is Lost and Found. The fact that we still have lost and found places, and that people actually use it and return things they have found, is a testament that people still have a sense of honesty. Lost and found is always there to remind me that there is still some goodness in this world.

Time for an update...

Well, after someone complained that I needed to update, I decided I should probably listen. School is definitely well on its way and things are okay. I like my classes for the most part. My Shakespeare teacher is completely insane and I think he's on drugs. He just sings randomly and we are so behind that I haven't even read and I'm still ok. Spanish is going to kill me this semester, but hopefully I'll pass and then I won't have to take any more Spanish classes. School's going well, I'm working too at the Cannon Center stuffing mailboxes. Not the most exciting, but it's pretty relaxed. Let's see... what else. I tried out for Divine Comedy, but I did not make it. Oh well, I'm glad I tried out and I'm so excited for the first show. (Friday Oct. 13th) After moving farther from campus, I have come to know and despise the parking and traffic of BYU. In one week, I got a parking ticket, was told not to issue myself vistor's passes (dang it) and then to top it all off, my car got towed! It's a long story, one I do not want to revisit so I'm not going to. I'm getting used to apartment life, although a few of my roommates aren't exactly my favorite people. I'll just have to deal with it though. Not much going on, I want the semester to be over already and I'm not even a month in yet. My ward is truly not as much fun as a freshman ward, and it will definitely take more effort to try to get to know and meet everyone. I haven't met too many, but hopefully I will. Ok, I think I'm rambling now so I will stop. Hope everyone else is having a great week! TTYL!

I guess Xanga blockage was just on temporary leave.

Well, I suppose to start off the new school year BYU has now blocked xanga again. I don't know if it'll come back, but oh well. I'm flexible. I'm up for a change. Speaking of which, I have to move in a week... to an apartment. I've never lived in an apartment and I'm excited and afraid at the same time. I don't really know what to expect, and I'm trying to have a positive mood. We'll see how things go and I'm hoping that the fact that I'm the oldest in the apartment won't make things too awkward with my roommates. I've emailed my actual room roommate and she seems pretty nice. She's a sophmore and is from Salt Lake City. The other two girls in the apartment (also sophmores) were on the floor above me last year when I was an RA. Again, hopefully it won't be awkward. But, I found out that I can move in early into my apt. so I need to start packing so that on my day off next week I can just move everything over.

This week we didn't have any conferences so they made us do mindless, and sometimes tedious and exhausting projects for us to get our hours. The first day we had to go over to DT and move beds from the tower they are knocking down to another tower. I have huge bruises on my legs and I smashed my finger. It's not too bad, it's purple but not black. But, it hurts to type this... and yet I keep typing. But then, yesterday I got to paint the windows with a welcome sign which was fun.

Also this week, we revisted our CA quote board from the start of this summer. It was hilarious and we typed it up so we could all have a nice copy. I was talking with my fellow CA and bathroom buddy, Libby, about how much fun this summer was. I started thinking about what would have happened if instead I had just gone home this summer. I have a feeling it would have been fun at first, but I would have been dying to come back. But, having stayed here, I met new people and became really good friends with others. Sometimes it was hard, and there was drama, but we came out of it and grew from it. I learned more about myself and who I am and what my plans are. But, more importantly I had fun, and I know that this will be one of the summers I will always remember and cherish. I'm going to miss all my fellow CAs, no my friends, and hanging out in the CANC after hours, watching movies, midnight runs to Maceys, Walmart or Wendy's, all the laughs and jokes about the cafeteria food. All in all I had a blast, and I'm glad I stayed in Provo. Let's hope this school year will be just as exciting and fun as this summer. Here's hoping!

Not in a good mood...

I don't know what it is about today, but I have just not been in a good mood. I got to sleep in, I watched some t.v. and ate some noodles in my room. The start of a pretty relaxing day eh? But, then I started work, maybe that's why. I was just not in the mood. I was roving, which I hate doing, and I worked from 5 till midnight just roving. While I was roving I was supposed to be thinking of CA awards for the BBQ appreciation thing we are having on Saturday. Every time I got ready to think of something I would get called for a lockout or have to put a note on the door. Then when I did have time to think of stuff I couldn't think of anything. So then I had some of the other CAs brainstorm with me which was fine, we thought of some good ones. So, someone else was supposed to come help me with them and she was late. This did not get me too upset because she told me she was going to be. So anyway, we start narrowing down which ones we do, and I kind of felt like she was taking over even though this was my job. Then I kept getting called while we were in the middle. After we had narrowed down the 5 for people to vote on, we had to think of something for everyone. Every time I would try to focus on it, she would end up talking about something else and get off topic. Then she says she'll take 2 of these other people to get chips and salsa. I had to go do some roving thing so I said, you take them to the store and I'll go do this and then we can talk about it when you get back. Of course she takes the list of awards with her to the store and she never came back. I just got a call from her at 1 am asking if I had finished them. I told her she had the paper so I wouldn't have been able to finish them. Then she goes, oh yeah I do, well I'll just do them, or we can do them tomorrow. So she said that she was going to think about it and bring a list tomorrow and we can decide. Now, I know this is a stupid and ridiculous, insignificant thing to be upset about, but I am upset about it. I feel like she gave me the assignment to think of awards only to take it back so she could do them all. Then she was getting mad because I wasn't thinking of any "funny" stuff. I was not in a funny mood because I was mad at her. Ok, I just had to get it off my chest because I was angry about it. I'm going to watch a movie and calm down and I should be fine. To anyone who reads this, thanks for reading...

My Day Off...

Today is my day off from work, and what have I done? Absolutely nothing, which is pretty amazing. I slept, ate breakfast, slept somemore, ate lunch, and then helped Libby delete stuff off her computer. But, now that I have gotten my fair share of nothingness, I am now bored and want to go do something. The question is what? Let's hope I figure it out before the end of the day. Oh, exciting news: I was able to swing getting the whole day off for my birthday! WOO HOO! Hope everyone had a fabulous fourth of July yesterday. Sad to say mine wasn't too exciting. I worked and played Taboo with some CAs and 2 boys from the Lacrosse camp. It was fun and those 2 kids are hilarious! Well, hope everyone has a great day!